


Sunlight stripes

by Whiteflame



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Huang Ren Jun-centric, I'm Bad At Tagging, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan Is The Sun, M/M, References to Depression, Romance, Self-Esteem Issues, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-14 03:08:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 38,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28663692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whiteflame/pseuds/Whiteflame
Summary: Romanticizing soulmates was simply imprudent in Renjun’s perspective. During his early years of life he was also declared guilty of that, but, in his defense, fairy tales usually painted those relationships as exclusively romantic ones - ideal ones.There was no fairy tale in real life.Destiny certainly made a mistake when pairing him up.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan
Comments: 5
Kudos: 76





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters and it's only a product of my imagination. Only made for entertainment. 
> 
> Hello!
> 
> This isn't my first fiction written in life, but is the first one I tried writing in a mature way.  
> Renhyuck is my current favorite ship, so I ended up wanting to write about them.  
> This fiction was made with the purpose of transmitting a message, not sure if I accomplished it, but I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it. :)
> 
> Already finished writing it, not beta-ed so expect some gramatical errors and maybe minor typing errors as well.  
> I'll post when I re-read it enough to be satisfied with the product while reviewing it. Probably not gonna take long to update everything.
> 
> Don't expect anything related to smut or detailed descriptions, because I am really bad at writing it. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Romanticizing soulmates was simply imprudent in Renjun’s perspective. During his early years of life he was also declared guilty of that, but, in his defense, fairy tales usually painted those relationships as exclusively romantic ones - ideal ones. Throughout the years, he learned that it was actually hard to pinpoint the exact moment you met yours unless you kept track of the tattoo on your body each time your eyes crossed with someone - nearly impossible. 

It is said that once your eyes meet with your soulmate’s the randomized numbers would become two zeroes. 

What made even less sense was that even with the advance of science no one could presume the numbers’ meaning. The most common belief: a countdown to the date you were supposed to meet your predestined one, however even when the date arrived most citizens had their tattoo in places hidden underneath their clothes which made it difficult to know the person responsible for zero-ing it. Although you’d see once in a blue moon, in the scorching winter, someone walking in light clothing to be able to find his promised one. 

In resume, it was stupid because they probably crossed eyes with hundreds of people a day only in the subway. Another option was to stare elsewhere, like the floor, in an attempt to avoid crossing eyes with anyone, but that meant not crossing eyes with your soulmate as well. Idealized versions would state that you were predestined to meet them anyway, stars would align only for you to stare into those fateful orbs in the right moment. However, there were stories that the countdown just added more numbers to it instead. How unfortunate. 

Renjun found himself muttering curses while he watched the dance practice unfold in front of his eyes, muscles wouldn’t obey his commands anymore, thus the instruction to give it a rest for a day. Meanwhile lazing around on the corner of the room his mind was wandering into random topics. One would think Renjun was frustrated for not knowing who zeroed his tattoo, but his case was exactly the opposite: Renjun was graced with a tattoo on a place where he could keep track when it became zero - birth numbers were inscribed on his right wrist and there was nothing to keep track of anymore. It was around 2 and a half years since he met his soulmate, but the other was what Renjun would describe easily with a single word: Stupid.

Are they together? No. He is quite sure his counterpart was completely oblivious to him being his other half. 

Does he intend to tell? No, not even if the apocalypse starts today.

Why? ...

“RENJUN!” The boy with a chestnut brown hair screamed for help at the top of his lungs, running to his right side while Mark tagged along a second after. Despite his angelic blonde hair, annoyance was very evident in Mark’s face indicating that his intention was none other than to smack their friends’ ass - a daily occurrence in NCT’s Dream lives. Renjun instantly knew he should’ve covered his head with the hood and feigned to be asleep to not be bothered. 

Every interval during rehearsals was an assurance of chaos being installed.

“What you did now, Lee Haechan?” Renjun accused at the same time he threw a glare at the other that was clinging onto his sleeve, wearing an innocent expression to induce Renjun into becoming his protector, which only received as a response gagging noises from Renjun because he knew better than to trust in the little devil. 

“He tried to attack me again with his mouth!” Mark accused, grabbing Donghyuck’s arm in an attempt to pry him off from Renjun - which only made Donghyuck hold tighter. “I do not agree with violence to educate, but in Haechan’s case seems to be an exception.” Mark explained trying to justify his demeanour. Point taken. Renjun nodded silently in agreement. 

However, at this point he was already tired of their antics, Renjun only worried that his sleeve would be ripped. “Can you accept your punishment and let go of my arm? No offense, but this hoodie is more valuable than your life” Renjun tried to release Donghyuk’s firm grasp from it before he had an injured arm aside from his leg pain. 

Frowning, Donghyuck defended his point as he shook off Mark’s hand from his arm. “I was not attacking, I was just showing affection for my fellow member that has a frozen heart. How is this any deserving of punishment?” he tried to snuggle behind Renjun’s back that was previously leaning comfortably against the wall in order to hide from Mark’s enraged state. 

“Did he even ask for you to warm it up?” Renjun snapped by now also trying to push Donghyuck’s head with his left hand that was free from the deadly grasp. Mark was flabbergasted watching their interactions thinking that perhaps at any moment Renjun would kick Donghyuck’s ass instead of him - that surely would end his work there. 

“Nope, but since I am a considerate man I was trying to save his ass from his soulmate rejecting him because he has no love in it” Donghyuck answered while giving an attempt at sending a wink to Mark (but failing because both eyes closed instead of only one), gaining a eye roll from Renjun - of course he’d use any sort of excuse (even a poor one) to save his image. 

“Why should I spare any love for you?” Mark instantly retorted, promptly advancing in Donghyuck’s direction once again starting to pull his shoulder discourteously to separate him from clinging onto Renjun.

“SAVE ME” Donghyuck screamed, reaching a high note while clinging onto Renjun’s arm, dramatizing enough that a bystander would think Mark would really kill him. Renjun just made a face of dissatisfaction for having such a high-pitched noise being yelled into his poor timpanes. 

“Stop screaming on my ear, otherwise I’ll be the one kicking your sorry ass that I am protecting against my will” Renjun was ready to escape from those two if they kept annoying him. The little bickering gained stares from the staff that were nearby, watching them with interest, because it was always fun to watch (it wasn’t always fun to be involved though). 

Mark sighed, feeling embarrassed by the stares being thrown at them and finally let go of Donghyuck’s arm. He slumped on the other side beside Renjun. “Such a brat” he muttered while staring across the room appreciating the sight of Jaemin annoying Jisung with his overwhelming love while Jeno and Chenle were sprawled on the floor without any energy, appreciating that they were not chosen as Jaemin’s victim as the latter screeched “Jisungie needs a hug to recharge” while Jisung tried to wriggle out from his hold clearly suffering.

“You two are really something, we’ve been practicing all day long and you still have energy to annoy the rest of us” Mark commented perplexed at the energy some of them had. “Only to my lovable members” Donghyuck retorted, resting his head on Renjun’s shoulder, threading their arms together now comfortably as he felt safe that neither of them would try to abuse him.

Renjun slipped his arm off from Donghyuck’s grasp which earned him a suffering groan from the little devil. “You two should be grateful, the amount of fans who dream that I’d do this to them”

“Then do it.” Mark and Renjun answered in unison without missing a beat. Donghyuck deadpanned, pouting right after, muttering something along the lines of some members going through rebelling stages of life. 

Those were daily things that happened, Donghyuck liked to tease members until someone snapped and played his game. Renjun didn’t really mind their regular banters - they were soulmates afterall. 

………………………………………………………………

_2015_

_It was near the end of the summer when he decided to move out from Jilin trying to pursue his dream at the mere age of only 14 years._

_By chance, he was accepted into SM’s global audition, but he received an email announcing his acceptance just a few hours prior to the actual audition. Desperate about the tight time he had to actually rush towards the city that was about a 3 hours trip. He begged his parents to allow him to chase after his foolish dreams. Applied to dancing and singing, which luckily landed him a spot into one of Korea’s most famous companies._

_He paced around nervously on his first day while he waited for a representative to show him the way towards the training rooms. Once they met and he started to guide the boy, Renjun kept staring dreamingly at every corner of SM’s building. The ecstasy of starting a new beginning filled his thoughts completely that his mind barely paid a single thought regarding the 06 painted on his right wrist - those numbers were fixed on his wrist since birth and he had no idea what they meant. Renjun wouldn’t lie that he had a tiny hope that he’d catch a glimpse of SM’s artists, especially EXO that made him chase after this dream. Renjun had arrived near the end of the morning, leaving all of his belongings in the trainee’s dorm, but not having a chance to meet anyone because everyone already left the place._

_The representative knocked lightly on the door leading to other trainee’s. “Gather around here” he spoke firmly attracting some trainees that were seemingly stretching on the floor which promptly stood up as they spotted the sight of a new face around. “This is Huang Renjun from China, he arrived today on the country and will be joining as a fellow trainee. ”_

_“Nice to meet you. Please take care of me from today onwards.” Renjun automatically spoke and timidly bowed down, receiving the gesture back as they replied. His eyes avoided the crowd that was staring back at him because of his shyness. The representative from earlier had already explained the schedule he’d have to follow and handed him a sheet containing it detailed._

_Since he already followed SM artists as a fan, he did know about SM’s project - Sm Rookies. Would they be here? Those were trainees that practically were promised to debut as they were already announced through official media. He would be lying if he didn’t say he was jealous since he left his country with no promises that this would work out. However, he was one step closer to achieve his dream of becoming a singer - a great reason to not lose faith and try even harder._

_Renjun tried to focus his sight elsewhere as he felt nervous with many eyes piercing him, usually he’d stare down and distract himself with the inscribed numbers on his wrist. They were either afraid of another competition to the debut spot or with interest in the new arrival. He heard many shuffling steps against the light wooden floor and trainees returning to do whatever they were doing after he was introduced - he discovered much later that most of them were feigning to be stretching while taking a chance to nap in awkward positions._

_“Aren’t you chinese though? How come you speak Korean with barely any accent?” He raised his gaze and focused them on the only person that had not moved from place - someone he could recognize from following SM Rookies. One of the promised trainees that would debut: Lee Donghyuk. He kept grabbing the hem of his shirt, a sign of nervousness, because he felt awkward speaking with someone so suddenly without any introduction from the other side, even though he knew who Donghyuck was. Eyes uncharacteristically sought for comfort staring down again, his bad habit repeating every time he had no idea how to react socially. At that brief moment Renjun caught a glimpse of his wrist marking two zeroes. He was dumbfounded for a moment before he stared up again, this time unwavering, focusing on the solitary figure in front of him. As discreetly as possible, he covered his wrist with his other hand, while acknowledging that the person in front of him wasn’t only Lee Donghyuk, but also his other half. “Awkward isn’t it?” he commented, seeing a glint of interest in the other boy’s eyes._

_It was indeed the beginning of something new ahead._


	2. Chapter 2

Stress was piling up since they were busy preparing for their first big project using the brand NCT: NCT 2018. Renjun couldn’t be sure if it was a good idea to make 18 people learn the choreography all together in the same training room. 

First because it was quite cramped reuniting staff instructing them and all the members in one room. However, it was needed because the timing was essential. The choreography was hard, but the harder was to reunite 18 members and synchronize them in the short period they had available. In resume: they needed to be cramped into this room regularly until they perfectioned the moves. 

At every break people would be loitering around, the group together was very loud. At the right corner of the room, Renjun could spot Johnny and Ten ganging up on Doyoung like the old days. Taeyong was watching with interest from the sideways wondering if he should join them. Doyoung sought protection on Jeno that, although did not join the bullying, laughed at their silliness. Yukhei, Kun and Chenle were another group that kept on bickering, but it was more comfortable for them to speak in mandarin. Chenle insisted on addressing Kun as mom, while it could be heard Kun exasperated telling him: Don’t call me mom! Yukhei was enjoying their banter as he kept clapping his hands happily. 

“That’s true, should be grandmother” Renjun added unhelpfully, stimulating Chenle’s dolphin laugh to erupt and resonate through the room and Kun to menacingly glare at them. Renjun could swear it would damage everyone’s timpanes if they were standing as close to Chenle as he was. Kun put his arm around Chenle’s head pretending to do a headlock. “Why are you trying to kill me? He was the mean one” Chenle amidst his laughter accusingly pointed to Renjun grasping on the arm around his neck to free it. Kun simply answered with a “Brat, you’re the one that started”, but there was absolutely no real threat behind it.

Renjun’s eyes roamed across the room where Jaehyun, Jaemin, Jungwoo, Jisung and Mark were chatting away on another corner - probably one of the most pacific groups among them. How could they listen to each other amidst the noises filling the room? He could only wonder. Nearby them, Yuta and Taeil were being overly affectionate to Sicheng in order to annoy the latter that hated their extreme love - Donghyuck was passing by them and decided to join trying to land kisses on Sicheng while the poor man being abused just shut his eyes tightly and tried to push his head away. Donghyuck pursed his lips to make it seem more comical while Yuta and Taeil were cheering him on. 

Renjun would often catch himself questioning why the heck were they soulmates? Sure they had great chemistry, but he was quite sure Donghyuck could have that with anyone judging by the nature of his personality. Even Sicheng seemed to have fun around him (some would watch the scene and think he was being bullied instead), but he could see the adoration the older had towards the NCT 127’s maknae. Once Donghyuk gave up on kissing Sicheng, he kept clinging onto him by giving him a back hug while Yuta and Taeil played rock-paper-scissors for god knows what reason (they basically played it to decide anything in their lives). Seemingly Yuta won. What? God knows. 

His sight was averted once he felt someone’s eyes focused on him, turning his head, Renjun’s eyes crossed with a person signaling for him to stop staring like an idiot: Chenle. “Stop staring at your crush” Chenle teasingly spoke beside him, while annoyingly poking his left elbow. 

Calmly, Renjun only threw back a question. “I am sorry, but could you clarify who exactly my crush is?” he certainly doesn’t remember showing signs of any crush - what he had towards Donghyuck could hardly be considered as one. He was usually lost in thoughts, thus he did not notice Yukhei and Kun’s absence up until now, they seemed to be nowhere around the room.

“I am not dumb, but if it helps you sleep at night by denying everything I am fine with it.” Chenle retorted back, eyes now resting on the same direction Renjun was staring at before. Although Chenle wasn’t in SM when his tattoo zeroed, he was sure the boy could be quite sharp, so for Renjun’s sake of maintaining his soulmate as a secret he’d never answer that back. No one aside from him knew who his soulmate was. 

Actually, although many people wondered who their soulmates were, many had given up on finding them, because it was, unfortunately, common for people that sought after their partners to turn into players by dating multiple people. 

Why did they do that? 

Because once they fell in love with their fated one those numbers would eventually fade out signaling you had found your one and only (it was only an assumption). People that resorted to this either were terribly lonely or just wanted to play around and use it as an excuse, in his humble opinion. With the increase of the population habitating the cities, it became quite common for people to give up on trying to find their soulmate and end up with someone else.

Two pieces that weren’t perfect for each other, but love and understanding could hold them together - just like his parents. 

However, as idols, it was terrible to have that tattoo at such an exposed area like his was - he’d either use long sleeved shirts or put on makeup to hide it from the fan’s watchful eyes that could pick on any detail. Fans could be easily heartbroken by those things, even if soulmates barely got together nowadays.

Lost in thoughts again, Renjun forgot for a bit that Chenle was still judging him. Sighing, he tried to be as honest as he could. “I still don’t know who you’re referring to, but regardless of that I can assure you it’s very far from being a crush. I can only describe it as a candy floss” after this statement there was a long pause between them. Both diving into thoughts, Chenle obviously was trying to figure out the charade given to him, but in truth it was only a bait to distract him. 

One would think that once they’d found their soulmate things were solved until the end of their lives. It wasn’t exactly like that, especially because people usually took soulmates for granted. It just meant they were perfect for each other, not that the other would endure whatever you threw at him - there were actually television shows just for coverage of a couple issues that soulmates could have: the weight they went through to endure it because they were, well… soulmates. Could be a romantic relationship or friendship, between them one could turn out to be emotionally manipulative. 

“Chenle, have you met your soulmate yet?” Renjun absently asked as he stared down at his covered wrist, feeling slightly uncomfortable questioning about this - obviously everyone in NCT already knew his tattoos were marking zeroes since day 1 because his wrist was nude to the curious eyes. What made soulmates so great? He thought it only added to the pressure that if it didn’t go as they dreamed of, it would be considered a failure before the public's judging opinions. 

And that’s what idols had the most: people judging them. 

“Suddenly?” Chenle was caught off guard by the question, but still reflected upon it. “No, but I met many people that I thought were the one. Then it makes me wonder how great a soulmate is supposed to be even though I’ve met many people that seals the deal” and this is exactly what breaks Renjun apart every time someone speaks about soulmates - the dreamy eyes, the belief in fairy tales. What if someone from outside of the connection could have a more sustainable relationship than the one that’s supposed to? 

You could tell Renjun he was being silly, but being insecure was something he always suffered from. In many aspects actually, things were slowly getting better as he aged, but regarding this topic it was somewhat hard for him since Donghyuck could wander around everywhere making friends left and right and also stating silly things like Mark being his soulmate or Sicheng being his favorite one out of the entire group. 

“And what if that person doesn’t seal the deal? I mean, how is destiny supposed to know since birth? And if it turns into a scar or becomes bruised? Am I supposed to mop about it for the rest of my life because my ideal one isn’t going to be with me? I am skeptical about those soulmate things, yet it seems to tie everyone in this world together and make them dream about it regularly” Renjun bursted out his personal thoughts regarding the topic, staring directly into Chenle’s eyes to transmit his sentiment properly - perhaps he’d never understand, but Renjun hoped to find one day someone that does understands him. 

The zeroes becoming scars or being bruised meant respectively (according to popular belief): your other half was no longer alive and if it’s bruised it could mean the other didn’t accept you - rejection could damage your own soul and in response it would hurt your other half. As if it wasn’t cruel enough to know you weren’t accepted, but you felt physical pain also to remind you about it.

Aside from that, It was common to see people that commited crimes having theirs become scars, apparently, doing wrongdoings could permanently damage your soul and you no longer completed your other half.

That statement picked Chenle’s interest quite a lot, his thoughts running wild while trying to connect the dots to understand why Renjun seemed so mad about the soulmate’s topic - ever since the beginning he stated that he didn’t know who his other half was, even though it was one of the easiest spots to keep track of. Chenle thought that either Renjun did know and disliked it or he didn’t know and it frustrated him how destiny didn’t work for them to be together already. Before he had the opportunity to address the elephant in the room, Kun and Yukhei returned with their bottles of water fueled to the top (so that’s where they went!) 

“Hey, what were you talking about?’ Yukhei drapes an arm around Renjun that smirks and promptly steals the bottle of water, mouth dry from the intense training and because he spoke too much - not literally, but he knew his small rant could have exposed him a bit. Yukhei didn’t really care and allowed him to do so because Yukhei was really just too nice to be bothered. 

“Nothing much, just Chenle being annoying as always” Renjun answered nonchalantly after taking another large gulp from it - though it was the truth. He stole a glance at Chenle that seemingly had some gears working inside his big head, but Renjun doubts he’d be able to find out the truth too soon. 

However, he’d admit that small talk had a therapeutic side effect - speaking out loud his frustrations did make the weight to lessen. 

Renjun remembers ever since he’d known Donghyuck, the little boy that had only fifteen years at that time (not that they were old now) already accomplished so much. Being one of the few people that passed SM’s weekly saturday’s auditions was already impressive per se. At the beginning was an admiration that along the way morphed into an inferiority complex that also set afire his competitiveness.

It also made him sometimes question how life chooses their soulmates.

Why him? Why not Mark? They have been together since forever, debuted together in two units. 

Of course they had nasty fights, but anyone could have them especially since the little devil was much more annoying when young - age slowly teaching him how to filter words when necessary. 

Wasn’t destiny indeed working for them to stay together? 

Why should he also have to submit for a soulmate when he didn’t even seem to fit the other? 

TL;DR: Renjun would never share the secret with Donghyuck. 


	3. Chapter 3

It was a snowy day in the beginning of January, yet most of them were sweating like it was summer. After the group finally wrapped up for the day, most of the members agreed to go out to eat. However, Jaehyun and Johnny had to head to the radio station later to attend to their schedule. 

The release of Empathy was scheduled for the end of February, so most of them were on a hectic schedule preparing for it. They had separate days to train with their subunits also. Renjun actually was sympathetic towards Mark, who was going to participate in multiple comebacks during this promotion cycle. It would be understandable if he rejected the idea of going out in order to rest, but with so many members reunited, everyone wanted to stick together, like a big family. 

Chenle rushed to Renjun’s side, thoughts running wild since their conversation from earlier during one of their breaks. 

“I discovered what you meant by candy floss” he stated with a smile showing all his teeth, proud that he seemingly connected the dots after working his head off. 

All Renjun had inside his mind at the moment was how tired he was and what they would eat now, so he just stared confusedly at the other. “What?” He inquired tiredly, still wondering if he forgot something important. 

“When you described your feelings that were not a crush! It means that it is a sweet feeling, but you are afraid of it disappearing just like cotton candy when it touches your mouth” Chenle ranted about his theories regarding a statement that Renjun made hours ago. Actually, Renjun wouldn’t lie to say he was impressed the boy could make his random statement make any sense - Jisung could never. Know how pokemon hurts itself in confusion? Yup, that would definitely be cute Jisung. 

Wait, his mind was trailing off again...

“Wrong, it means it’s cheap and artificial. Nice try, big head 1” Renjun hastily answered as he came with something to say back, luckily it didn’t take too long so it wouldn’t raise Chenle’s suspicion. 

Lies.

It actually meant it looked cute, it tasted sweet, when in truth was only an illusion, just plain sugar processed to be something else. Nothing special about it. It was exactly what soulmates made out to be, something fluff but, for Renjun, it didn’t seem as special as people thought of. 

Chenle rolled his eyes at the description - it was sort of convincing that Renjun would say something so uninteresting that did not contribute to his incredible theory. Before he could protest that it made no sense to describe feelings as ‘cheap and artificial’, Jaemin draped an arm around Renjun’s shoulders, seemingly catching a few words of their little chat. “What is it? You guys want to eat cotton candy?” He curiously asked as it wasn’t the first option one would choose to eat. 

Before Chenle could expose his great thoughts regarding Renjun’s life, the latter intervened. “No, I was talking that you’d look great in a colour like cotton candies have. What about pastel pink?” Chenle furrowed his brows wondering how Renjun could come up with an answer that fast (although he did agree that Jaemin would probably look great). Jaemin flashed a grin content with the answer.

“Renjeonnie loves me so much that he even thinks about which color I’d look good in. I am so touched, I will take into consideration next time I need to change my hair. Regretfully, I don’t think I’d be able to use such colour for this concept” Jaemin spoke with his voice dripping cuteness (thing he did just to annoy his favorite members). 

“It’s Renjun” He corrected, though he knew it would make no difference since Jaemin did this on purpose with the sole purpose of triggering him. Chenle was laughing beside him, the subject from earlier thankfully dropped.

“We could make it frizzy to make it seem like the candy floss” Renjun added mischievously, thoughts of Jaemin having a voluminous pink hair actually being funny. 

“Pink would be great, it would gain you an advertisement of your favorite drink: Strawberry yoghurt” Chenle added to tease Jaemin that was now pouting.

“Now I think you just want to ruin my hair” Jaemin frowned, feeling defeated just by the mere mention of Strawberry yoghurt that he hated very much. However, he never backed away from the chance of retaliating, starting to make some non comprehensive cute noises pretending to be suffering. Renjun pretended to gag from his actions. 

Mark approached them casually, watching the sight with great interest, but also checking if he had to separate his kids. “Do I need to help?”

The two stared at Mark and stopped, because they were just about to endlessly bicker, but they had a silent agreement that both were too tired for that at the moment so Mark’s arrival was a blessing. “Nope. We were just playing around, hyung. No nagging needed” Jaemin smiled innocently, giving space for the older to place himself between them, both wrapping their arms around Mark’s shoulder adoringly. 

“Mark hyung barely nags, you’re the one that needs to be instructed this, Nana” Renjun retorted, which made Jaemin exaggerate an offended expression. This summarized their team dynamics, they would find themselves usually annoying each other just like best friends testing each other’s limits. Before they could start another friendly banter, a loud voice belonging to someone as loud interrupted them. 

“I am starving, how am I supposed to grow up if all our nutrients are burnt with this intense training?” Donghyuck complained loudly, dramatically dragging himself across the room. He reached the group walking alongside them now. 

“Haechan, just like trees we first grow in height, afterwards in diameter. If you’re lucky you might grow a few millimeters to feed your ego, but realistically you’ll probably only grow from the sides now” Renjun instructed the other that was still lively though he feigned to be in the last whisper of life because of his dramatic ass. 

“Thanks for the information. Guess you know that for a long time already huh” Donghyuck countered, placing his hand below signaling Renjun’s lower height compared to his. Renjun stopped on his tracks and turned to Donghyuck in an attempt to maybe end his life, if he was lucky enough no one would report him for that. The smirk tainting Donghyuck’s features indicated that this was exactly what he expected Renjun to do, so he ran away while laughing out loud. 

Donghyuck ran across the room while the other members watched already knowing what was unfolding - it was just Haechan being himself. His favorite targets were Doyoung, Renjun and Mark. Riling them up was seemingly the most joyous thing Donghyuck had to do, but it also seemed to entertain the entirety of nct as they watched the scene with smiles and laughter once Renjun had both his hands around Donghyuck’s neck, the latter pretending to gasp for air. Doyoung might’ve screamed in the background “Finish him faster. One less person to pay dinner for!!” But Renjun was too worried about turning deaf, because the little devil would jokingly reach high notes when screaming. 

Renjun let go of his neck sighing, he was already tired from all the training, he did not need to waste more of his non-existent energy playing around. “Shoulder gangster Renjun” Donghyuck sing-sang while back hugging Renjun who only rolled his eyes in annoyance, spine curved from the pressure Donghyuck was making on his back with his weight. It was a way to tease him because he had a smaller frame compared to the rest fitting around nearly everyone’s arms.

One would steal a glance and think they were being lovey-dovey, but only if they stole a very, very quick glance, because Renjun was by now lightly elbowing Donghyuck’s tummy for the latter to let him go.

Donghyuck groaned in pain by a certain blow he had received, causing Renjun to flinch because this did not seem like when he was overacting. “Are you hurt?” Renjun raised a brow turning his head to stare suspiciously at him but also worriedly questioning as the noise made him stop his actions immediately. By now Donghyuck already let him go from his hold, composing himself again at the speed of light. “I was just testing to see if you had any compassion. You passed!” He jokingly answered while winking, though Renjun kept rooted in his place staring at him awkwardly. 

Donghyuck was known to be the mood maker from the group, he never really let others worry about him, so he barely spoke up about problems - even Mark sometimes complained how Donghyuck wouldn’t share things with him. Renjun decided it was better not to press him into speaking though, his thoughts went busy analyzing if there was any part of the choreography that could cause him to hurt his abdomen. 

The doubtful stare Renjun shared was enough to tell Donghyuck that he didn’t buy it, the smile previously exposed disappearing knowing he had been exposed. They did exchange stares, things between them turned into a stalemate, but before any of them could even think about doing anything regarding that, their attention was averted to their leader. 

“What do you guys want to eat?” Taeyong asked loudly enough for all the members to listen to him (that was amazing considering how noisy everyone was). And obviously food was the most important thing on earth, so both went to decide alongside the group what they should eat. Renjun did steal a glance once at Donghyuck later to check if he was limping or showed any signs of pain, but he was just being playful with Taeil by now, so Renjun just dropped away the topic from earlier.


	4. Chapter 4

Weeks passed by faster than anyone would expect, when they realized, it was already the beginning of February. all of them were with hectic schedules as their comeback neared even closer. Undoubtedly, the unit that was most pressured right now was the NCT U Boss, since they would be the first ones to appear on music shows and the first scheduled to be aired - the pressure was high specially on the new members, because it was considered one of their title tracks. The other units that would subsequently promote gained more time. The schedule was: NCT U Boss, followed by NCT U baby don’t stop and then NCT Dream Go. This meant that at least NCT Dream (except Mark) could breathe for a bit, having at least decent hours of sleep. 

Renjun was in his room, moomin plush loosely between his arms, because his hands were busy tapping the screen as he played a mobile game - he was trying to play it until sleep took over. It must be around 1 o’clock by now, thus proving his tactic to sleep was questionable at this point. Sighing that he lost again, he was about to turn it off and try to actually sleep for once, because they’d be up early on the next day - practice was never enough when it was related to such a big project. He stared at the clock marking 01:21 a.m. signaling it was too late considering he wanted to have a decent rest for once. He groaned dissatisfied that he once again fooled himself into sleeping late. 

Someone suddenly barged into his room, rudely flickering the lights on. Renjun’s eyes blinked fast trying to adapt because of the lights invading his orbs uninvitedly. Before he could even process the happenings, he felt a weight onto him as the trespasser threw himself over him. “Haechan! Get off of me!” He muttered trying to push the other away, but Donghyuck insisted on remaining on the spot pretending to snore now. 

Donghyuck would sleep in the Dream’s dorms a few times when they had schedules together, he’d usually stick with Jeno because they’d spend the night away playing. Not that he would stay put in one place around the apartment, but he never invaded in the middle of the night when people could actually be sleeping. 

Donghyuck decided to be generous and sat on the opposite edge of his bed, finally freeing the other from being smashed underneath him. “Why are you invading my room at ungodly hours?” Renjun sat up and glared menacingly once he made sure his eyesight was fine by the sudden attack of lights. Apparently the other boy sat far enough to be safe from actually being assaulted by a moody Renjun. 

“Jeno’s in the pc right now, so I got bored” Donghyuck said innocently which seemed more like a mocking tone to Renjun’s ears.   
  


“I was asleep” Renjun whined, holding Moomin’s plush into a cute embrace by now. Anyone seeing the scene would think Renjun was indeed an innocent boy as well, though all of his close friends knew this was just an image he took advantage of (anyone would agree he looked cute at least). 

“No you weren’t, I heard sounds from your cell phone until a minute ago” Donghyuck stated as matter of factly, causing the other to moan knowing he had been found out - he made a mental note to mute his phone the next time. 

“Fine. What do you want?” Renjun threw his beloved Moomin plush in an attempt to hit the other that was just across the bed - Donghyuck did catch it though, plush now in his embrace. Donghyuck scratched his head awkwardly, ever since their stalemate from a month ago, no one had addressed the issue anymore. Both pretending that it didn’t happen and kept acting normal around each other with their constant bickerings and talking about random topics. Sighing, Donghyuck stretched his legs on the bed, adjusting himself to sit comfortably seemingly getting ready for a long chat - why couldn’t he come earlier though? 

Renjun caught the change in the atmosphere between them, instantly adopting a defensive posture - back curved and holding his knees close to his body. 

They might be soulmates, but it didn’t mean they could read each other’s mind. 

“I guess I should talk about what happened before. I mean, maybe you don’t even remember about that anymore, but it’s been bothering me for a while” Donghyuck scratched his head showing signs that he didn’t know how to start the topic without it being awkward. Renjun was impressed that he did want to talk about it though, because he was the type to stay quiet and absorb everything without ever sharing a word, unless he imploded. 

“You don’t have to speak with me if you’re not comfortable with it. I don’t really mind, everyone has secrets they’d rather keep” Renjun intervened because he really didn’t want to be included on a topic that wasn’t of his business if the counterpart wasn’t comfortable about it. Also, because Renjun created buzz inside his mind on his own to be able to help anyone with their problems. 

Donghyuck frowned and ran his fingers across his hair, defeat exposed on his features “Actually, you saying this bothers me even more!” He whined, this time reaching for the blanket to cover his lower body that was starting to feel cold. “ I debated about it for too long for you to dismiss like this” It was clear how indignant he was by now, which made Renjun stare awkwardly at him - what was so important for him to spend that many weeks debating? And why at dawn instead of during daytime? 

  
  


“It isn’t like I don’t want to know. It’s more like you shouldn’t feel obliged to” Renjun assured, of course he was curious, but forcing someone to speak about something didn’t really bide well for him considering how he had secrets unshared as well. 

Donghyuck let go of the Moomin in his hold, leaving it standing beside him. Attention fully focused on Renjun. His eyes sparked with the same glint of interest that he had on the first day they met - who would’ve thought they would be together in a group at that time when things were uncertain. 

“I expected selfless Renjun to say something like that, but it’s a decision of my own and sharing it could lift the burden off my shoulder, I guess? You can say it is my egoistic desire” Donghyuck justified his will to speak about it, Renjun knew by now it wasn’t simply a mere injury he suffered from practice to make such a drama around it. 

“So?” Renjun challenged, staring across his bed knowing exactly what topic they were talking about, although it’s been weeks since it happened. Renjun wanted to crack a joke when Donghyuck was hesitant when lifting his shirt to show off his abdomen. Knowing this was a serious conversation made him contain himself. 

Renjun’s sight rested near the transition between Donghyuck’s abdomen and thorax on the left side where it was inscribed 2 zeroes - Renjun unconsciously held his breath at the discovery. It wasn’t only two zeroes, but only one was reddish from inflammation and bruised.

“Does it hurt?” Renjun asked one thing that anyone would jugde as dumb, because just by staring one could reach that conclusion. Donghyuck did not judge though, no one knew exactly the mechanisms behind these soulmate tattoos. However, at the moment, they did seem more like cursed tattoos. 

“Not constantly, it usually hurts when touched or when I make a lot of movements, but nothing too incapacitating” Donghyuck spoke as naturally as possible, thinking Renjun could pass out from seeing his bruised tattoo. 

“But… for how long?” Renjun kept pressing about more information, because Donghyuck never showed any signs of pain regarding this place during any of the practices since their debut. 

“I didn’t mark on my diary, sorry” Donghyuck answered sarcastically to lighten up the confused expression on Renjun’s face. Luckily, he was far enough to not need to avoid being smacked in any part of his body - in no way he’d be standing close to the violent Renjun while exposing his weakness. 

Voice seemed to be stolen for a second, until Renjun recovered it to make more questions. “Wasn’t both supposed to be injured when the connection is rejected?” This was common knowledge or at least he doesn’t remember hearing about only one being bruised and the other standing normal beside it. Donghyuck nodded, conflicted expression exposing he did not understand it either. 

Donghyuck finally covered his abdomen once again, watching with interest Renjun’s reaction, expecting more questions to appear - which they do: “Does it bother you the possible meaning behind it?” 

“I guess it shouldn’t bother me, because soulmates barely get together nowadays. It does intrigue me though, why only one of it is bruised? What does it mean? Why would anyone reject a great being like me?” Donghyuck never failed to add some remark that made him seem great either for jokes or because he had self-love. Renjun did suspect that his ego was that high though.

Renjun was caught unguarded by seeing Donghyuck’s tattoo. Although it did make sense for his feelings to be translated into a rejection on the other’s body, he couldn’t help but feel guilty for Donghyuck having to carry it. 

However, why weren't both bruised? Donghyuck was right, it was intriguing even if he did know the feelings he harbored towards his soulmate. 

“Is that how you really feel?” Renjun blurted this out on a whim, not really desiring to ask a question that could expose him, because this was supposed to be kept inside his bubbling mind. 

Donghyuck softly stared at the other, kicking him lightly underneath the covers to assure everything was fine - the irony in the situation could make one cry, according to Renjun. “I feel fine. I don’t know what my other half’s issues are, but I respect whatever is coming across his or her mind though it does suck to be at the end of the stick receiving it.” Donghyuck admitted, evidently more relaxed now - it was indeed a weight lifted for him. 

“What about yours?” Donghyuck pointed at Renjun’s right wrist, throwing back a question for once. “I mean, it’s awkward being the only one talking about it. Share your story so I don’t feel alone” He pleaded, but Renjun was quite sure he wouldn’t press if Renjun said he didn’t want to. It was the truth though, it wasn’t a common topic between members and opening up regarding that felt intimate. Considering they were idols, searching for their other half would be a little problematic so it was understandable no one would talk about it - God knows what crazy fans were capable of. 

“I don’t really have anything to say about it though” Renjun admitted, switching himself to sit across the bed beside Donghyuck, Moomin plush now back into his hold.

“But yours is exposed for the world to see! Do you know who your other half is?” Apparently it was Donghyuck’s turn to make questions - not that he ever agreed to answering them, but he complied. 

“Not really” Renjun bluntly lied, it was easy because he did this ever since the first day it zeroed. “I never really paid much attention to it, but one day I noticed it was zeroed. I know the day, obviously, but not the exact time or with whom it was” the way he spoke so casually was definitely convincing. He had the speech imprinted on his mind by now - Renjun was prepared for those kinds of questions to appear if one day some interviewer was too invasive. 

Donghyuck looked thoughtful for a second, nodding after hearing it. It did seem like a possible situation to happen. “Last question, I promise. Any expectations towards them?” They lived in a world where everyone had at least some expectations towards their other half, but Renjun didn’t know how to answer that exactly. Even though soulmates barely got together, everyone had a dream of how they’d be like. 

“Not really. I don’t have an ideal type nor do I have dreams regarding soulmates” Renjun chuckled bitterly, soulmate standing close to him nearly everyday - he didn’t have anything to expect, because he knew enough about Donghyuck by now. 

“Guess those reality tv shows ruined soulmates for me. When I was small I thought they would be a perfect fit, that once we met it’d be magical and I’d feel butterflies on my stomach, but after watching those tv shows it made this connection seem more like slavery. It almost seems like my opinion doesn’t really matter and if I fall for someone else is deemed a failure” His bitterness appeared on his speech accidently, those feelings were overwhelming even for Renjun, sometimes silently taking over his reasonable side. 

Thinking he destroyed the light atmosphere Donghyuck had created earlier, he started playing with his right wrist where his flawless tattoo stood. Renjun stole a glance sideways, meeting up with a boy that seemed to be thinking hard about something. 

“For someone not interested you have a really well constructed thought about it” Donghyuck observed, a small teasing smile appearing on his lips. Renjun tilted his head slightly to the side in a questioning way. “Renjunnie, it’s just like haters. They care so much about hating because we bother them, not because they are indifferent to us. Something about it does pull your strings a bit” Donghyuck pointed this out for him, which was kind of offending, even if it was the truth. 

Renjun stopped his trail of thoughts for a moment, reflecting upon the words that were expertely thrown like a punch into his face. He couldn’t deny it even if he wanted to mislead his soulmate, but there were things that needed to be said out loud for the sake of giving peace to his own conflicted mind.

“Maybe you’re right and I do care a little” he stared down and played anxiously with his exposed tattoo, trailing the zeros with his pointer finger from the left hand - an old habit that sometimes resurfaced. Donghyuck grabbed his hand midway before he could end. 

“Don’t think too much about it now. It’ll lead you nowhere.” Donghyuck instructed, knowing his friend enough to understand how his mind worked. Renjun stared at him silently with a bitter feeling on his throat. “No offense, but you can’t reason things even when you’re fully awake” Donghyuck added, sniggering right after, which earned him a light punch on his chest - Renjun wouldn’t be too evil (for now) to aim at a spot that would hurt though. 

However, such a silly statement did steal a small smile from Renjun. 

“Thank you for sharing your personal information with me, maybe I could win some money leaking it?” Renjun joked back by now, tiredly leaning his head against Donghyuck’s shoulder for now just adjusting himself to feel comfortable as the serious part of their talk ended. His plans to sleep early if not destroyed already by gaming on his cell phone by now completely fell apart from Donghyuck’s intrusion. 

“You wish, your credibility without pictures to prove are very low. I do have some ugly pictures of you to retaliate though” Donghyuck retorted, ready to show his file filled with Renjun’s ugly pictures. Renjun did see a new picture of him dozing off on the floor of the practice room with a trail of droll coming from the corner of his mouth. Sneakily, he tried to snatch the cell phone to delete it, Donghyuck’s reflexes were fast enough to avoid the grasp by moving his hand away. “You have to pay for copyrights or I’ll sue you” Renjun hissed, horrified that this picture could someday be exposed. 

This caused them to brawl on Renjun’s bed, sometimes nearly falling off from it, but laughter echoing from the room at nearly 2 a.m. 

They’d be lucky if Jaemin didn’t wake up to nag at them.


	5. Chapter 5

March started and with that their short promotions for Go. They were all gathered around the television that was transmitting the comeback stage. Jeno had an arm around Renjun, beside them Chenle found a lollipop somewhere and was by now munching the stick. Meanwhile, Jisung found a bench to sit down, but Donghyuck decided it was a good idea to sit on his lap while Jaemin was using Jisung’s head as a support for his arm. Mark was just standing with crossed arms. They were usually a chaotic bunch, but when related to work they switched and actually watched it in silence trying to search for some mistakes or awkwardness captured on camera. Every detail was important for them as idols. 

“So? Any commentaries?” Mark disrupted the silence established as the members were still with gazes focused on the screen. Some of them were actually reflecting while others seemed satisfied with the result.

Chenle lifted his arm, a serious expression on his face that made Mark listen to him attentively. “Jaemin hyung looked good with those glasses, can I have one next time?” hearing it Jaemin shouted his signature "Yes!" And high fived Chenle while saying he had great taste. Mark sighed questioning himself why he actually hoped for something else coming from the playful Chenle. 

“Can I add that Renjun purposefully slid his hoodie from his shoulder to expose it” Jisung pointed it out, this statement was followed by everyone laughing which made Renjun roll his eyes - his hoodie did slid off at some point at the choreography, but it was solely fault of his narrow shoulders. 

“I did not!” Renjun defended himself while pouting that they decided to bully him instead of talking about the performance.

“Sexy!” Jaemin added with a teasing smile, eyebrows raising slightly in an overly exaggerated way.

“King shoulder!” Donghyuck stood up from Jisung’s lap only to tap his shoulder playfully, which Renjun feigned to try to punch him as a retaliation, which Donghyuck recoiled in “fear”. 

“Maybe we could adjust some face expressions a bit, though most seemed on point, sometimes it seemed like we were just in a bad mood” Jeno spoke up before they went off topic too much. Perhaps he was too demanding, but they were still a relatively new group, so they had to come up on the top by standing out, otherwise they’d be disbanded by the company - they did carry a big responsibility along with other NCT units as SM’s group. 

Donhyuck finally decided to add what his opinions were since somebody was being serious among them “I think we did fine, maybe we had some problems lifting from the scorpion for the camera to not focus on us at all. Also, perhaps we could accentuate the popping, it’d look nicer” 

Mark nodded in agreement, trying to remember details about the entire performance, but failing to do so. He made a mental note to rewatch it later to maybe correct it for tomorrow.

“Or maybe the cameraman fell in love with Mark, like who doesn’t love Mark?” Chenle added playfully, which caused Mark to groan knowing the rest could come for him after this remark. 

“Okay, let’s wrap up for now then. I’ll just grab a drink” Mark decided to end the discussion before the members ganged up on him - despite being the leader, they seemed to enjoy teasing him too much. Where was the respect for the elders? 

“Bring some tea for me? I forgot my wallet” Donghyuck promptly begged, blinking eyes innocently which earned a glare from Mark. The other always somehow forgot to bring his wallet. 

“Of course you did” Jaemin pointed out sarcastically, knowing Donghyuck used this trick far too often only to be treated by the oldest members. 

“Pleeeeease?” Donghyuck said in a high pitched voice, pouting cutely like a child throwing a fit would, while pulling lightly Mark’s hand. It was a usual thing to happen between them, Donghyuck loved to annoy almost everybody. Contrary to appearance, he could be a nice older brother sometimes (he did pay for meals and drinks for NCT dream members a few times). However, when he was together with someone older he always wanted to be babied, perhaps it’s because he was the older brother out of four so he never really had the chance of being pampered. 

Mark sighed and complied with it with hopes Donghyuck would stop with the cringy cuteness. Both exited the room heading to the vending machine. The rest of the members scattered around the room to do other things, Jisung kept annoying Renjun because of the shoulder slip event even though he was fully dressed underneath not exposing an inch of skin. Jeno kept an arm around him, but did not help him either defending against the youngster. Jaemin sat down on the couch, deciding it was a great moment to take a nap, right beside him Chenle was checking his unread messages on the cellphone.

Amidst his bickering with Jisung, he started embracing the younger tightly to annoy him (also because he loved him despite the teasing). 

Suddenly, Renjun felt a warm metal against his cheek, screeching from being startled by the sudden contact freeing Jisung from his hold. Jisung breathed relieved, heading far from the older to grab his drinks. Donghyuck sniggered as he handed the tea can to him. “That’s yours” he handed him the warm can. 

Mark distributed the rest of the drinks to the rest of the group, his arms full of drinks. Renjun did notice his beverage was the only one that was given by Donghyuck. “Why didn’t Mark give it to me so I could thank him instead of having to endure you?” Renjun complained, though he accepted the can opening it immediately - it was his favorite green tea after all. 

“Because he didn’t want to associate with you” Donghyuck immediately answered back, tongue as sharp as always. Renjun bumped into him using his right shoulder, hoping Donghyuck would let his own drink fall down. It was obviously avoided, because the other was too used for Renjun’s attempt to fight him. “Kidding, yours was the only one warm, so to not mix with the ones that were cold I carried only mine and yours” Donghyuck finally justified the reason, receiving a suspicious expression back though. 

“He bought already, you should’ve carried everything and left him with mine” Renjun was now feeling sorry for poor Mark that had to do everything alone. 

Donghyuck put his right hand that was free over his heart, unsuccessfully pretending to be hurt. “I paid for the 00 line drinks!” He even huffled to show he was offended.

“Wallet?” Renjun challenged as Donghyuck feigned to be offended for the suspicion towards him. Still, he fished for his wallet that was indeed inside the pocket of his pants, shoving it in Renjun’s face. Renjun laughed and shoved back his hand. 

“Fine, I’ll believe in you today” Renjun held his can with both hands to warm them up. 

“What about my thanks?” Donghyuck demanded now, grinning as he won today’s argument since Renjun had nothing more to add. 

“Thank you, next time bring a snack together” Renjun was satisfied enough with his answer, this time taking a sip of his tea while Donghyuck frowned. 

An arm suddenly sneaked around Renjun’s shoulder. “Don’t push your luck” Jeno added after returning from grabbing his drink from Mark. Renjun didn’t even notice when the other two had disappeared from his side. Both noticed Mark’s struggle and went to help him. 

“That would be nice, but his wallet will disappear again now” Jisung came right behind, also teasing Donghyuck, that by now had too many people attacking him to be able to retaliate everyone at once. 

“You’re so ungrateful! At least I thanked Mark hyung for the drink” Donghyuck pointed towards where Mark was, like it made any difference for them knowing that. 

“You made him pay for yours even though you had money?” Jeno skeptically questioned as it made no sense for him to pay for three drinks instead of just buying his own. 

“Of course! It’s his duty as the older one. Watch and learn how to demonstrate thankfulness” His eyes caught Mark chatting away with Chenle and Jaemin and ran towards him, attacking him from behind with a nearly death grasp while shouting “Thank you Mark hyung!” The poor leader was just confused from the sudden attack while Jeno and Jisung just laughed away as the other clinged and tried to kiss Mark, like he always did playfully to everyone. 

It was actually an endearing sight every time it happened. However, for Renjun, since his conversation with Donghyuck it actually dawned upon him that perhaps the other was right and the soulmate thing did sting on him more than he actually realized. Watching it just made him think even further that only Mark could endure the endless teasings Donghyuck did and would comply with him. 

His mind trailed to the past in which Donghyuck was introduced on SM rookies, video that he appeared with Mark. Since trainee days until debut you couldn’t see one without the other. Those two actually seemed like two puzzle pieces that fit each other. They have been together since the beginning, debuted together in two groups and it was clear how their friendship dynamics worked. Although Mark did explode sometimes and they did fight, the next moment they’d be great friends with a great chemistry. 

The first time when Renjun thought destiny was wrong with the choice of his soulmate was when he started his trainee period and knowing the background behind Donghyuck’s entrance to the company - the infamous Saturday’s auditions that very few managed to be accepted even though it was held every weekend. 

The second time was when Donghyuck was given a stage name by the CEO Lee Soo Man due to his bright personality - Haechan. Full sun. Everyone agreed it did match with him, because the boy was really someone that brightened the room when present. What could match him better than Lee Minhyung, most known as Mark? Mark was talented and would debut for two more units aside from his debut in NCT U and also loved by everyone. Renjun did agree that there was no way anyone could hate Mark, he had a big heart and caring nature - enough to endure the little devil Lee Donghyuck. 

One could think Renjun hated both of them, but he actually loved both very dearly. The only thing he hated was the feeling of inferiority that bloomed since the past, because everyone of their group seemed to be so ahead of him. 

Aside from those two, everyone already had a sort of deep connection, Jaemin and Jeno joined the company after a few hours of difference clicking immediately with each other, even Chenle that entered afterwards discovered later that he and Jisung had met previously in a music festival. They even had pictures together! 

What are the odds if not destiny?

Judging from Donghyuck’s unchanging attitude towards him or anyone else, he doubted the other knew. What kind of soulmate would steal his warm food from the refectory with the excuse that he was generous enough so Renjun would have the warmer food instead?

Renjun concluded he didn’t fit in even though his soulmate was just across the room. 

“You’re staring” suddenly someone from his side pointed out - Chenle again. “Everyone is” Renjun reasoned because everyone was watching them playing around. Jaemin promptly joined in while squeezing Donghyuck between him and Mark earning a loud and high screech from the boy being sandwiched. 

“You’re the only one not smiling though” Chenle was now facing him, almost daring Renjun to deny it. 

“I am tired” Renjun knew that was the lamest excuse he could come up with, but every other one seemed not convincing enough. Chenle was still watching him, now worry painted on his face. “Everyone is” He replied calmly, insinuating it didn’t justify in any way how Renjun was reacting. 

“What are you trying to achieve by cornering me?” Renjun snapped, feeling stressed that someone had his gaze focused solely on him when all he wanted was to be left alone. He felt like he was being accused of a crime he did not commit. There was nothing he should feel guilty for. 

Chenle shrugged, shaking his head to the sides dismissively, this time he stood by Renjun’s side now gazing back at the commotion going on across the room - Jeno and Jisung long joining the other two into teaching a lesson for Donghyuck. “You are hiding something. It bothers me” Chenle admitted in a low voice, trying to keep a secret from the rest. 

“Why?” Renjun’s gaze that was unfocused just stared ahead, although there was a commotion in front of him unfolding - just a group of friends playing around with laughter filling the room. 

“Because when I arrived here and barely knew how to speak Korean you helped me. You didn’t have to, but you still looked after me. Up until today you still take care of me and treat me like a younger brother. I feel indebted.” Chenle rarely had times when he spoke so honestly like this, it made Renjun even more anxious - was he really being obvious?

“You’re worried about me? That’s adorable” A playful answer was thrown as an attempt to distract Chenle into thinking everything was fine and he was actually overthinking it. 

“Everyone noticed” those words immediately weighed down Renjun’s spirits. Renjun’s forced smile faltered at once. When have things started to get so out of hand for people to actually notice? Who were these everyone Chenle was referring to? 

Instead of adding anything, Renjun simply collapsed onto Chenle’s warm embrace. 

“Later” he murmured like a plea to be given more time to sort his thoughts and when it aggravated to this point. 


	6. Chapter 6

About two weeks passed by, NCT Dream was busy in those weeks with their short promotions for Go. It was almost like a relay and now they handed it for NCT 127 that started their promotions with Touch, which also meant Mark and Donghyuck were still busy. Renjun wanted to stay alone for the past weeks, though everyone would keep being loud around him either because it was the nature of their group or because they were worried about him - he had no idea. 

As he tried to answer the questions inside his mind, many new questions popped up instead, provoking him to enter in an endless cycle of trying to find answers. Sometimes Renjun would stay on the corner of the waiting room during promotions, stealing a few glances to discover who else knew. Was it really everyone?

Now that Renjun had some time to rest, he was sitting down on the floor of a training room inside the company. Black t-shirt not making very evident how drenched he was from sweating, cap managing to hide his face partially when he tilted down his face. They still had their finale with Black on black, though Saturday was usually days off when not promoting, staying still would only make his mind create more issues. 

He’d rather improve himself and dance away his worries than staying at home hammering the same questions into his mind. The doorknob suddenly turned, making him jolt. The figure behind the door somehow soothed him. On the other hand, Kun stared confusedly at Renjun from the door. “Why are you here alone?” 

“Clearing my mind” Renjun decided to be honest, since it seemed like he was quite obvious lately, so he wouldn’t really put up a fight to tell the truth anymore. “What are you doing here on a day off?” Renjun eyed him suspiciously, like he knew there was something wrong. 

“Why else would I be roaming through the practice rooms? Duh, to practice” 

“Today?” Renjun asked skeptically, thinking how probably most were resting and enjoying their free time (aside from 127 that were promoting Touch in music shows). Kun invited himself inside, closing the door behind and sitting beside Renjun on the floor, back against the mirror.

“Days off don’t exist for trainees, Jun. Even if I did debut in NCT U, I still haven’t been assigned to a specific group yet. Although it seems like they are working to make a chinese unit for NCT.” Renjun stared at him apologetically, sometimes he forgot how things for him had worked better than expected. He’d managed to land a spot in a group barely a year after he started being a trainee, sometimes he forgot about it and took it for granted. Kun joined the company around the same time. Kun had been announced through SM the rookies however never debuting ever since then. 

“Sorry” Renjun apologized, feeling ashamed almost like he had intentionally hurt Kun with his statement, but he swore he was completely clueless to the other’s situation. That only made him realize that maybe he was being too self-centered to actually see what his loved ones were going through. 

“It’s okay” Kun’s honest smile brought peace to Renjun, though his eyes still were full of worry towards the older. It’s obvious the older could be worried about his expiration date, trainees that took too long to debut could be easily discarded by their companies, because they had an ‘age limit’ for debuting. “Come on, don’t make that face” Kun fondly patted Renjun's head that was covered with a black cap.

“Now, are you going to share what you were thinking about?” Kun inquired cautiously, because Renjun had a sullen look before he arrived and it only worsened.  
The younger stared at the ceiling, suddenly feeling embarrassed for the thoughts that rounded his mind lately. Wouldn’t it hurt Kun even more if he shared his inferiority complex? Kun nudged him from the side. 

“Want to practice first and talk about it later? If you want to, obviously” he suggested noticing how the other was prolonging the silence, probably understanding it was something personal that made Renjun uncomfortable. Renjun smiled weakly, nodding to accept his suggestion - both were seeking to improve after all. 

They ended up training the entire afternoon together, sometimes helping each other with small details even though both were on the back as dancers, but they never knew when a camera could be focusing on them. They did small breaks, but only to slow down their heart rates and breathing. 

“Great work today” Renjun told Kun, handing him a towel to dry himself off. 

Kun accepted it, starting to dry his forehead. Both were once again collapsed on the floor, this time too tired to speak. Renjun was thankful for Kun’s considerate nature. He never once touched the topic again, they did speak about other things on the few breaks they took, like the chat before never happened. Since both missed dearly their homes, they’d speak about their hometowns in China frequently, chatting in chinese with someone else aside from Chenle also was sort of nostalgic. Since lunar new year passed by, they compared the foods each of their families usually had during gatherings. 

It almost felt like he had a cousin lost in the middle of Korea together with him. 

Renjun felt a drop from his sweat rolling down from his head. He shut his eyes, leaning head against the mirror. “Thank you” Renjun was very grateful for being given the chance to actually ignore his issues, but they needed to be addressed sooner or later before they destroyed him. “I know it might sound silly, but is it fine to feel so insecure about oneself?”

Although he knew by now Kun was gazing at him, he decided to ignore in order to be able to keep opening up “Insecure about what exactly?” the question inevitably came.

“About not being enough” Renjun summarized his idea, because that is actually how he felt. Regarding his group, fans’ expectations and his soulmate.

Kun sighed, this time pondering about how to answer that. Renjun was aware this could sound presumptuous when compared to someone that barely debuted. However, he really did admire Kun in every aspect possible: he could compose, write lyrics, could sing and dance. “It’s normal actually. I don’t know about what field or towards who you feel you haven’t proven yourself to, but I can assure everyone feels this way once in their lives” Kun started his speech carefully, towel now placed lazily on his head. 

Kun waited for Renjun to actually stare back at him, though the youngster seemed to be abashed. Renjun made it clear his nervousness by reaching to his right wrist, holding it securely with his left hand - a thing that many took note as a sign of his flustered state. Kun knew the other well enough to understand it, he used to live together with the dreamies for a while so he could get to know them well compared to other older trainees that just met them through rehearsals. 

“I don’t think it’s a secret that I do feel that way quite often. It’s obvious that I always think I might not be enough to be in a group and I might never make it.” Renjun shot his head up, staring at Kun like he regretted bringing his feelings up. Kun shook his head, smile adorning his features in a silent attempt to assure he was actually fine. 

“Of course it is relieving to be introduced as a NCT member. However, where will I fit in? I don’t think I fit into Dream’s criteria” he paused chuckling, because he was already over the age allowed into NCT Dream. “We only have NCT 127 as a valid option, but there is also Jungwoo and Lucas” Kun explained his point, something that although many members thought it was relieving for the three to be introduced, it actually made sense for their insecurity to exist. Kun was also admirable for not breaking down midway when Sicheng was announced to debut through NCT 127 leaving him behind. 

Renjun had nothing to answer, he could utter the same consolation lines Kun probably heard dozens of times assuring without any credibility that they had a plan for them. Before his mind could come up with any answer, Kun managed to continue his monologue. “However, I sometimes question myself… isn’t all this insecurity coming from not reaching what I demanded for myself?” Kun spoke absently, avoiding gazing towards the younger knowing it probably made him uncomfortable. 

“Sometimes we impose ourselves to overachieve, especially when we compare ourselves to others.” Renjun was now staring towards his stretched legs on the floor, also avoiding Kun’s eyes. He noticed the lace from sneakers nearly undoing themselves, tempted to tie them again for them to be firm. Instead, he bends his knees close to his chest, arms circling around them in an embrace to make him smaller. 

“Jun” Kun called out for him, the younger tilted his head to the side, still leaning against his knee.

“How not to overachieve when everyone around us seems like gems that are being lapidaded into perfection?” Renjun finally spoke amidst the monologue, eyes reflecting sadness this time. Kun was stunned with what was actually going inside the boy’s head. Renjun had only nineteen years (in korean age), yet it seemed like he carried the weight of an entire world over it. It was understandable, but it was also silly as the boy said earlier. 

“Or maybe you don’t realize that you were picked by the same people that choose those gems. Maybe you’re one of them too. You’re young and already living your dream, don’t be so harsh on yourself” He brought the smaller frame close to him into an embrace. Renjun reciprocated his hug, firmly wrapping his arms around the older’s shoulder, now more than ever feeling guilty for making Kun say those sort of things. 

Amidst his many emotions, he buried his face onto Kun’s shoulder finally allowing, at least today, for tears to flow out. He figured out it would be worse to apologize, so instead he thanked the older continuously between muffled sobs. 

“Come on, treat me to good food since you feel so grateful” Kun chuckled after jokingly speaking this, seemingly fine after their exchange of words. Renjun weakly nodded, knowing he had much to reflect about. Renjun still managed to mutter between his hoarse voice a “Only you, don’t bring your son”

Which led Kun to smack lightly his head “I am not a father neither a mother of a child as big as Chenle” Renjun only laughed it off, but still clinging onto the older. Words were not enough to thank him anymore, so he did treat Kun later to a hot pot. 

Chenle did complain later that he was not invited, though


	7. Chapter 7

No one had enough time to compute how fast time was passing by, despite February having a new birthday almost every week reminding them that time was flying. When Renjun realized it was already his birthday: 23 of March. Still, he had to attend a meeting along with other NCT Dream members, since according to their schedule after Empathy promotions ended, they had a comeback programmed for the middle of the year. Although the company took part in most of its decisions, Mark was already working on some lyrics together with other songwriters - he never stopped working on them actually. Mark’s passion for music could be seen by anyone. 

Although they were by the end of March, the temperatures were still low enough for him to stay wearing winter clothes. Since he barely registered that today was his birthday, he wore the first white sweatshirt he found paired with comfortable black pants deciding to head first before the others to clear his mind (properly announcing it to their manager obviously). Also, because his face was bare he’d always wear a cap to hide it - though it was debatable the need of wearing it. However, it was convenient being able to walk on the streets without being noticed with only a glance from fans (not stalkers, because those were probably following him since leaving home). 

Renjun was absently checking his SNS while waiting for the elevator. Suddenly, he felt someone poking his right shoulder very lightly, but repetitively in order to gain his attention. Renjun lifted his head and stole a glance sideways. “Good morning!” He greeted Donghyuck who seemingly had a hard time waking up today, dark circles very evident. He was sporting a black hoodie, his hoodie covering most of his faded nut-brown hair, only fringe standing visible underneath it. 

“Happy birthday” Donghyuck managed to speak despite having no will to live at the moment, nearly yawning amidst his tiredness - a rare sight actually, because most of the time the boy was unstoppable from being so electric. Of course he’d be tired, he worked through Go promotions and Touch, still having rehearsals whenever they could reunite everyone for Black on Black performance for the next month. Renjun couldn’t even imagine what Mark was going through at the moment. However, one would think they were being overworked, but both stated firmly that they preferred that way instead of lazing around, plus he was quite sure Donghyuck used much of his time of rest to play games instead. 

“What time did you sleep last night?” Renjun noticed the elevator finally reached their floor, stepping aside and pulling Donghyuck to allow the people to exit it for them to enter after. Both headed inside the elevator, pushing the 5th floor where the meeting would take place. They still had plenty of time until it, so no one was really in a hurry. 

“Maybe at 3? Not sure.” It was around 8 a.m. at the moment, the weather was rainy, so for sure the other had a hard time getting up from the bed. Renjun shared a pity gaze towards him, not only did he have to attend a meeting he’d also have scheduled a music show in the afternoon. They were waiting for the elevator to arrive at their assigned floor. Donghyuck stared at him amidst their silence. 

“You seem to be fine lately” although they met very few times lately due the Touch promotions and schedules not matching, it was still sufficient for Donghyuck to reach that conclusion. “We were worried about you” he flicked Renjun’s cap only to annoy the latter, this time grim evident on his lips. The fact everyone noticed would usually bother Renjun, but he spent enough time after talking to Kun dwelling on negative thoughts that somehow multiplied until he’d force them out justifying it was only him being egocentric. 

They reached the 5th floor, both stepping out from it. Perhaps they arrived earlier than expected because the meeting was supposed to be around 8:30 a.m. They still had 30 minutes to spare. “You seem like shit. I’ll pay you a coffee to compensate the other day” Renjun spoke up, hands warmly inside the pockets from his sweatshirt. 

Renjun headed towards the vending machine, buying canned coffee for both of them. “It’s your birthday though?” Donghyuck questioned, still accepting it as they found some benches nearby to sit down to drink it. 

“The longer you take to pay me back the favor, the higher the taxes will be.” Renjun jokingly answered back, taking a sip of the coffee. Donghyuck hummed, not taking seriously that threat, also taking a sip of his coffee. 

“You know, Mark and Jaemin were dead worried you were having some sort of Burnout. Jeno just thought you were being stressed from having so many schedules at once. Chenle and Jisung are the weirdest ones though, they came up with a theory that you had a heartbreak” Donghyuck admitted their group was trying to figure out what was happening inside Renjun’s mind since the boy didn’t speak up to them. Renjun frowned at the thought of them discussing it behind his back, but it was not like they were ill-mouthing him. He was grateful for their worries despite them coming with such absurd theories. However, he shouldn’t need any kind of assurance from them, much less worry them. 

Before he could whine about it, Donghyuck kept his speech. “I told those two that I didn’t think you were capable of having those sorts of feelings though” He cackled, only to receive a jab directed at his arm that was holding his coffee, nearly spilling it. Renjun wasn’t really mad, this was the typical joke you’d expect from Donghyuck to lighten up the mood. 

“Of course I am capable” Renjun huffled, feigning to be offended by such a statement regarding his person. “One would be lucky to be loved by someone as respectable as me.” he crossed his legs elegantly, side eyeing Donghyuck as a challenge to what he just said. 

Donghyuck just stared fondly at him, laughing at it. “They sure would”

This made Renjun to be flabbergasted, not expecting such a passive answer without any challenge for a banter. Thus the silence was installed between them, not such a common thing to happen as well. 

“What about you? What were your theories?” Renjun was wondering whether his soulmate had any sort of crazy theory regarding his state, because he seemed worried about his state as well. Not that he wanted a confirmation that Donghyuck cared for him, more curiosity because seemingly everyone from his group was discussing it.

Donghyuck leaned his back against the chair’s backboard, he tilted his head to the side to steal a glance of the other. “Nothing, there’s no fun in thinking about crazy theories if I might never know if I got it right… or not” He spoke carefully, with the intent of not making the other upset that he didn’t really think further about it. Donghyuck was sensible enough to understand when to joke or when to be serious, many discussions with some members taught him that. 

“Thus meaning you want to be always right” Renjun concluded, rolling his eyes slightly. He held tightly the canned coffee that was only halfway consumed and getting colder the longer delayed drinking it. 

“Not really, but it could be frustrating to keep wondering about things. Once you feel comfortable enough you’ll probably speak about it.” Donghyuck added, making Renjun again agape of how thoughtful the other could be. He was mostly used with the jokester side of Donghyuck, but he sometimes forgot how the other had to mature when starting to work. Not that he was not the ray of sunshine that everyone admired anymore, quite the contrary he was still shone as bright as always. However, sometimes he toned down to just be Lee Donghyuck instead of being Haechan. 

Renjun wanted to thank him, but before they could keep their chatter, Jaemin appeared together with Jisung. “There you are! We were searching for the birthday boy around only to see that he was kidnapped!” Jaemin accusingly pointed at Donghyuck that groaned. He was barely awake only to endure a day in which Jaemin was seemingly hyperactive. His hazel brown hair was combed perfectly, the white hoodie he was wearing made his skin seem even more fairer than the usual together with that full white annoying smile. 

“Don’t accuse me so early in the morning. You had your 2 shots of espresso, didn’t you?” Donghyuck groaned as Jaemin patted his head like he was a small puppy. 

“Of course I had, otherwise I’d be looking like shit, just like you” Jaemin grinned happily staring at Donghyuck’s suffering face.  “Told you” Renjun replied sniggering, because he enjoyed when Donghyuck was the one being tortured by them (otherwise it would be either him or Mark the target). 

“I was busy working, okay?” Donghyuck tried to push away Jaemin’s hand that was patting his head. Only to be granted with Jaemin plopping down on his lap uncourteous, earning another groan from the bullied boy. 

“Probably working on getting into a higher elo during the night” Jisung added his mischievous commentary, but still maintaining his innocent face. He sat down right next to Donghyuck, who managed to reach his hands to mess up the blond haired boy that tried to fight back, hands sometimes ending up on Jaemin’s head instead.

“Ya! Stop fighting, kids!” Jaemin exclaimed with a frown, but contrary to the belief that Jaemin was the mature one out of the three, he started trying to do the same to the other two. Renjun watched the entire exchange with an amused smile painting his lips. 

“Why are you always fighting whenever I find you?” a voice interrupted them, all eyes landing on Mark that seemed troubled to control them - it was hard being their leader sometimes. The four greet him in a chorus though, almost seeming like four saints. “Good morning Mark hyung” 

Chenle and Jeno that were together with Mark were busy chatting with each other about their gaming session from last night. They stopped until they noticed that all the members were gathered already.

“Oh. We doubted you would be alive for today” Chenle exclaimed, clearly surprised to see Donghyuck squished underneath Jaemin. 

“He obviously isn’t. Just take a look at his face” Jaemin dramatically pointed out while cupping Donghyuck’s chin to turn his face to the other two to see, which earned a joking disgusted face from the other two. “He’s a zombie!” Jaemin added dramatically, however he had to remove his hands quickly as Donghyuck tried to bite them. The rest of the group started to laugh at their silliness. 

“Leave me alone. Weren’t you searching for him?” Donghyuck whined as he signaled Renjun with his head, because his hands were busy tickling Jaemin’s armpit for the other to stand up from his lap. For his relief, it worked. Renjun, who had been quiet just watching them, suddenly realized multiple pairs of eyes suddenly resting on him. All of them had a thing in common: the mischievousness that sparkled on their orbs. 

Many passersby stared awkwardly at the kids playing around - they were known by the staff, but they weren’t really familiar with their loudiness. Renjun almost regretted being on the bench as he was attacked by multiple people throwing themselves onto him followed by high screeches and laughter. He was sure he could suffocate underneath them, but his heart surely warmed up as he was reminded those people surely cared about him. 

And for their sake he tasked himself to not worry them anymore. 


	8. Chapter 8

They managed to end their NCT 2018 promotions smoothly. However, there wasn’t much time to breathe in between the releases. They had already listened to the samples of the unnamed songs that would contain in their next mini album. It was the last with Mark before he graduated, so they wanted to make it memorable. 

The recording studio was located in one of the many buildings SM had, it presented a cozy vibe, lights being mostly indirect and a few recessed spotlights placed strategically by the architect because they also didn't want it to be dark. It had a glass wall showing the inside of a room that was soundproof, outside of it there was a panel with many controls that much of its use was not known by bystanders. They had two office chairs behind the big panel that faced directly the glass. 

Behind them there was a long leather black couch that fitted about 4 people with two additional armchairs made from the same fabric on each side, so bigger groups could squeeze there if needed, but most would wait outside for their time to record.

Mark was busy recording his parts for their main track. The rest of the members were watching intently while the producer instructed him the parts that she found that could be highlighted in his rap. They were together with a recording engineer so she could focus on solely instructing the youngsters. Not only did he try to follow her tips, but also added his own colors into the song. The process of creating a song out of nothing was something really magical, no one imagined how long it took to write and compose it - the piece still had to be approved by the album producers. Then they’d work on it to make an arrangement according to their expectations of a hit. 

Renjun had his eyes focused on Mark, mouth slightly agape watching the older. His black t-shirt seemed oversized because of his bad posture, spine bent towards Mark's direction like he wanted to hear better by doing so, in consequence making the fabric to dangle on the front part. 

Most of them had already recorded, thus the reason Jaemin, Jisung and Jeno headed to the cafeteria to grab some drinks for their sore throats, probably just wasting their voices chatting endlessly instead of resting. Chenle had those adoring eyes towards Mark, because he indeed admired the other like an older brother, he was another one that also bended the spine and had his elbows resting on his knees and hands supporting his head, increasing the adoring vibe. Donghyuck was no different and also had his entire attention focused, but was wearing a serious expression on his face, probably thinking about suggestions of adlibs to make the song more interesting. His position obviously more comfortable than the other two, back actually touching the couch. Sometimes he unconsciously scratched his chin like a habit when he was thinking about something. Renjun was in the middle of them, so he'd steal glances occasionally.

The mix between admiration and inferiority felt toxic to Renjun. It was tiring even for him to keep thinking about those things, although he tried to tell himself it was stupid. However, he did understand why everyone gushed over Mark. He was talented, hardworking, a songwriter, a great rapper and dancer. Without noticing, he was probably furrowing his eyebrows at those thoughts running through his mind, until he felt a finger poking his glabella. 

He was taken aback and stared at his seatmate - Donghyuck. The boy was grinning as he simply stated “The dermatologist will have to apply botox really soon if you keep making those facial expressions” Mark’s voice rang on the background, yet he stared at Donghyuck in disbelief - when and why would he avert his attention from Mark? The golden boy, one of Lee Soo Man’s favorites along with Donghyuck. The lack of a retort and smile returned to Donghyuck’s snarky comment revealed that he had a turmoil currently ongoing inside his mind.

He knew they made no sense. He repeated every time those thoughts emerged that they were stupid, that there was no logic in him feeling that way. 

It would actually work sometimes, other times not so much. Depended on the situation and moment, during nights when he was nearly being induced by sleep were the worst ones to repel.

Donghyuck dropped his smile noticing the other had not replied in the way he expected. Instead of questioning, he scratched his neck awkwardly. Renjun’s mind kept the mantra that he was being absurd, compared to others he should not feel the way he did. Yet his mind kept hammering in that same topic. “Is there anything you want to talk about?” He whispered in order for Chenle not to hear, not that they should worry considering how the boy was so focused on Mark. Renjun blankly stared back, mind unfocused on the present moment barely registering the question was directed towards him. Renjun nervously switched his posture, crossing his arms and back resting against the couch - a defensive posture.

“No, I am fine. Just tired” Renjun lamely justified, he promised himself not to make his members worry again, but he knew he was once again failing. The soundproof room's door opened, revealing Mark behind it, a wide smile plastered on his face seemingly satisfied with the outcome of his recordings. He stopped near the producer and asked if there was room to improve something vocally on their song - as expected from hardworking Mark. 

This made Renjun feel ashamed of himself. Why couldn’t he focus on other things? Everyone was working hard, this was Mark’s last comeback with NCT Dream before he graduated. Just like lyrics stated, time did fly and the members did soar up high in his opinion, yet he felt like he was still on the ground watching them from beneath. 

This time he felt a flick on his forehead. “Stop making faces” Donghyuck huffled indignantly probably to disrupt Renjun’s trail of thoughts, understanding the other was barely there. He stared around and Mark was nowhere to be seen, Chenle standing in the recording studio alone. He spaced out once again, crisis becoming frequent again since they began preparing for this comeback. 

“If you don’t speak up I am sure as hell gathering the members to corner you” Donghyuck threatened humorlessly, one would think he was pissed off, but it was clear that he was worried. Renjun knew at this point that he failed on his mission to not worry his members once again.

Renjun snapped his head towards his friend, completely flabbergasted “Are you threatening me?” still adopting the defensive posture, actually scared of being confronted by his group. Even if they were his best friends, there were certain things he did not wish to share. Because they were inadequate and did not make sense.

“For your sake, yes” this made Renjun to falter, not having the energy to actually find an answer appropriate for that. He'd do the same for them after all. 

“I’ll talk it out eventually” Renjun knew he already said that once months ago, but he really wasn't comfortable enough with that topic.

“Just like you promised Chenle?” the counter answer made Renjun stare at the other speechless.

“Wha… How do you know about that?” Renjun barely registered the information, not expecting him to know about that, but of course Chenle and Donghyuck did hang out a lot, Chenle wasn't one of the bests of the group in keeping secrets either - not that he made the other vow to not tell.

“There’s only one way I’d know about it" Donghyuck answered firmly even though he was exposing his friend, but for him it was more important to make Renjun talk about it. 

“He’s worried, he didn’t want to push you into saying something. He also backed down because you seemed slightly better, but you’re seemingly having another down moment” He added right after trying to justify for his friend that was busy recording.

“Is that why Chenle went first instead of me? So you can corner me?” Renjun miserably answered, pout unconsciously forming on his lips.

“No, I could corner you anytime regarding this. I only wanted to give you a room to breathe during recordings. Do you want to go after me and I'll leave the room?” Renjun did feel slightly uncomfortable sometimes, afraid of being judged for not doing well. He knew no one of his members did that, but he noticed he became overly conscious lately. However, he was kind of afraid of being alone with only producers, because he felt that he could be scolded for not being enough - a thing that never happened either. 

“I don’t know” he gave an answer with all the honesty he could muster at the moment. 

“Why are you worried? We did a singing rehearsal of it. You’re not usually like this” Donghyuck was clearly confused, because he could pinpoint that it was something related to recordings, but Renjun never had problems with it before. 

“I don’t know” Renjun answered the same thing again, because he knew it made no sense. Chenle’s soft voice was in the background this time. “You go first then, since you don’t want to pick. I’ll watch over you” this made Renjun even more afraid actually, Donghyuck was quite professional and he could tell he analyzed everyone’s performances. He obviously wouldn’t scold anyone, but he’d help sometimes with vocal techniques that would be useful. He was the promise of being one of the powerhouses vocalists that SM usually produced.

They stared at each other again, almost seemingly playing a chess game where each studied each other’s movement. “Don’t worry. You’ll do fine, you always do” Donghyuck encouraged Renjun, who weekly smiled in return. His talk with Kun still rang to his ears - he knew he was privileged, SM wouldn’t debut him if they didn’t think he wasn’t enough. He was enough. He should leave his silliness behind. 

Chenle swiftly ended his recording, which made Renjun nervously watch as Donghyuck pointed him to go. Chenle was about to sit down on the couch to chat with Donghyuck in order to make him company until everyone ended, but Donghyuck stated that Chenle shouldn’t worry about him and that he had to rest his vocal chords instead of chatting infinitely, since he just overworked them for recording. It was not like people hung around until everyone finished, so Chenle agreed and left to find the others to bug. Renjun was becoming hyper aware of his surroundings during work lately which Donghyuck seemed to have caught upon, which meant Renjun was pretty damn obvious.

This realization made him feel even more guilty, he needed to talk. He knew he did. Everyone said things got better once you speak up about your problems, but it was also so hard. He did talk about it vaguely with Kun, but it was a lot repressed due to his guilt towards the older. Kun had the right to feel like this, he didn't.

He shook out his thoughts and instead tried to focus on his job. He had recordings now, so he simply headed into the recording studio never looking back towards Donghyuck. 

Renjun sighed content once he ended recording, managing somehow to do exactly how they rehearsed. It seemed endlessly for a moment, but he was relieved he managed to survive. Once he exited, Donghyuck gave him thumbs up and a pat on the back as they crossed paths to exchange their places - it was his moment to record finally. 

Renjun did not understand why the excessive worry his members had towards him. He lodged himself on the corner of the couch watching through the glasses. Donghyuck was focused, even while rapping it seemed comfortable for him, although he wasn’t used to it in main tracks. Renjun’s thoughts weighed even more than he expected them to. He wondered whether he should leave the room or not. Knowing Donghyuck, he wouldn’t mind, but something inside Renjun’s mind told him that if he left, he was admitting to being a coward. That he couldn’t confront Donghyuck, running away in the first opportunity he had, just like he always did with anyone lately. 

When he became so uncomfortable to the point of not feeling comfortable on his own skin?

His stubbornness brought him where he was today, so he shouldn’t back down now. It was like a silent challenge, one that if he ran away he’d automatically be entitled as the loser. So he waited, watched, admired all the passion Donghyuck had to pour while singing. Donghyuck ended his recordings and once he exited the room, he noticed Renjun was on the couch, eyes unfocused and obviously once again lost in his useless thoughts. Donghyuck did stop near the producers to share a few ideas he had in mind and the viability.

Amidst his chatter, his eyes met for a split of second with Renjun's, but enough for him to notice Renjun had a crack exposed. He had the urge to cry, yet he had no tears to do so. He didn’t even know why he wanted to cry, it was a sudden urge that appeared during certain moments and would normally vanish as well, remaining only the sensation of his throat constricting behind. 

Donghyuck approached the boy that was falling apart due to his own intern battle. Donghyuck seemed slightly unsure of what to do (like most people would be) so he simply sat down and pulled the other into an embrace, because he thought that was the right thing to do towards someone so fragile. 

“You did well” Donghyuck whispered close to his ear, things finally making sense inside Renjun’s mind. The happenings from the end of 2017 still a strong memory for everyone in the industry, but their constantly busy schedules didn’t allow much for them to think about. 

Renjun weakly nodded. He wasn’t depressed, was he? It was just an inferiority complex, everyone had once in a while, no? Everyone also suffered from anxiety sometimes from fearing not being enough, no?

Or maybe he was.

Tears started to pool his eyes, he pressed his face against the crook of Donghyuck’s neck. Why was he crying? He didn’t know, but being told that so softly like he mattered made him break apart. Perhaps that was what he needed to hear ever since he left Jilin with only a dream in mind. 

Too young to understand that this forced him to grow up earlier, to mature earlier, to abandon an entire life behind, his parents included as he barely managed to see them.

His life was this dream and if he failed to keep it, he'd have nothing left.

Donghyuck did his best to cover up Renjun, hiding him from the other members of the room, because the producer and audio engineer did stare questioningly at their direction, which Donghyuck only replied with a “He’s just sleepy” to which they nodded and discussed a bit about the recordings and sent the files, then gathered their belongings ready to leave the place. Donghyuck just bidded them a goodbye saying they’d shut the studio room in a bit. 

He carded his fingers on Renjun’s hair, keeping the silent atmosphere between them. No words needed to be exchanged for now, because Renjun could barely have a lucid thought amidst his overwhelming emotions, the only thing he was able to do at the moment was wrap his arms around the other’s waist like he was clinging for his dear life, not that Donghyuck particularly cared about it. 

And he was grateful for that.


	9. Chapter 9

The studio room remained with silence established, tears already contained. Eyes swollen and sclera probably red due to the excess of crying tears that he didn’t even think he was capable of having. Renjun felt embarrassed to remove his head from the crook of Donghyuck’s neck because it felt awkward confronting someone after being so overwhelmed by emotions he did not have any control of. Both were seated on the large leather couch, but occupying only the corner of it. Room now devoid of other presences aside from each other.

Donghyuck lent his white bucket hat for Renjun to wear in order to hide from the world in case someone did appear. The boy, aside from having his hat stolen, was also left with a soaked right shoulder where Renjun had previously pressed his face onto to cry his heart out (thankfully not too visible since his t-shirt was black). Amidst all of that mess from before, Donghyuck still managed to use his hands at least to send a quick message to others telling them to go back before them, because he supposedly lost a bet to Renjun and needed to treat him to food, but since Donghyuck forgot where he put it, he’d still have to search for it. 

Why would they believe that? 

Apparently, they did buy his excuse and some answered him to treat them as well another day. 

Renjun was nesting his head cozily by now, wondering when was the right moment to pull out. Although they were both comfortably lodged on the couch, Donghyuck’s shoulder was probably fatigued from staying in that position, but arms still secured Renjun on his hold. Donghyuck started humming My first and last, which caught Renjun’s attention. “If you crack your voice on purpose I swear I am going to commit murder and lock your corpse here” Renjun whispered weakly still remaining in the same position. This earned a laugh from the other that was caught unguarded by the commentary thrown at him. 

“How are you feeling?” Renjun felt the vibrations of the answer as his head was resting very close to Donghyuck’s throat. It was sort of a comforting feeling, he could acknowledge at least. 

“Stupid and swollen” he answered flatly, while he was crying there were tons of thoughts running around, yet none seemed to connect to each other. It felt like everything he resented in his life had to be swallowed all at once, but not having enough time to digest them making him throw up in the form of tears. 

“Only swollen then, because stupid is from your own nature” Donghyuck added mockingly, knowing the other felt slightly better to at least joke around. Renjun weakly hit him in the chest, avoiding the part where he knew the other had his bruised soulmark (again, he wasn’t that mean). 

“You’re the worst type of person someone could seek help after” Renjun muttered, but his actions told otherwise as he remained very comfortably on the hold. He nearly purred when he felt Donghyuck’s fingers massaging his nape. “Yes, I am” Donghyuck complied with what was said to him, because he’d rather Renjun to keep roasting him instead of crying like a lost child. 

Despite being the oldest one from the 00 line, Renjun felt like even the two younger brats would take care of him instead of the contrary. That was how helpless he felt at the moment and thinking this only made his mind even more restless. 

What did he want after all? Did he want the attention or he just didn’t want to worry them?

“You kept frowning at Mark hyung earlier, something happened between you two?” Donghyuck tentatively questioned, since the other was at least able to talk now. 

“No.” Renjun immediately answered, face buried further to hide himself, because he knew the question would come up sooner or later. “I just admire him. Isn’t it amazing how he debuted so many times, writes his own lyrics and also has talent to dance and rap?” he stated with admiration towards the older. 

“Wow. You speak that as either you have a crush on him or you’re jealous” it was supposed to be a joke, but that assumption hit so close to home that Renjun didn’t have anything witty to answer to that. Donghyuck sighed knowing from the lack of retort that it was probably one of those options indeed. He grasped Renjun’s shoulder, pushing him away from their previous position. Donghyuck needed eye contact to try to read better the situation, because he thought either of those options were unlikely. Renjun avoided at all costs staring directly at the gaze he felt was judgemental, when it in reality was just searching for answers.

“You’re right, your eyes are swollen and you look stupid” Donghyuck blurted out while watching the other, getting slightly off-topic. That did earn him a smack over his bruised mark this time though. Donghyuck whined in pain this time, but Renjun was sure he’d survive. The other managed to recompose himself, this time making sure to keep his weak spot hidden from the violent boy. 

“It’s none, I am just interested because everyone around me accomplished so much” Renjun cautiously answered it, feeling already ashamed admitting this much. Donghyuck looked thoughtful for a brief moment (hand still covering the place where his soulmate mark was though), he was smart enough to think quick and had a good sense to understand somewhat the situation. 

Donghyuck’s eyes did rest on Renjun, to which the latter squirmed underneath the gaze. After losing the embrace, he adopted a defensive position by embracing his own knees protectively close to his chest. “God. You’re really stupid” Donghyuck mused, having to dodge before Renjun tried to hit him again. 

“From what I understand, aside from you being stupid, is that you can’t see your own accomplishments, blinded by other people’s achievements” Donghyuck shook his head in disapproval, Renjun stole a side glance at the boy that had his gears working indeed, different from Chenle that did not reach any conclusion before. “Renjun, other people’s achievements are none of our business” Donghyuck scratched his neck awkwardly, wondering if he didn’t word them out in a harsher way than he expected. This made Renjun freeze and stare blankly at nowhere specific.

Weren’t achievements something that everyone had to pay attention and use as examples for themselves?

Why shouldn’t he acclaim them like everyone else did?

“That makes no sense! Achievements are what everyone cares for. As an example great grades give you the sense of accomplishment and earns you respect. If you don’t have achievements you are close to nothing!” Renjun retorted, this time facing his soulmate like their mindsets were completely crashing against each other. 

Donghyuck snorted at the speech given by Renjun. They weren’t arguing in an aggressive way, but it did fire something up inside Renjun. It was like Donghyuck liked to instigate him into talking it out, be it a friendly talk or not. “So you’re saying someone that has no achievements to brag about is promptly labeled as a loser?” Donghyuck spoke up against his speech, having no mercy to hold back. 

Renjun froze and tried to think about people of his life that didn’t have any grand accomplishment to brag about, there were dozens of people like that. Multiple trainees he met before did have talent, yet didn’t manage to debut like him. That shut his mouth completely, once again feeling embarrassed for thinking like that. He did have a somewhat similar talk to Kun, but the older was much softer on him unlike this little devil in front of him. He remembered some trainees that already left the company and that spent many more years than him training. 

Noticing Renjun had nothing more to add, Donghyuck softened his gaze, knowing he got his point across. Donghyuck reached his hand to hold one of Renjun’s hand that was resting over his knee, trying to give some sort of physical comfort by squeezing it softly. 

“Other’s achievements are none of our business because everyone follows different paths. You shouldn’t compare your beginning to someone’s end. Both will shine in the right moment regardless of the other.” Donghyuck managed to explain his trail of thoughts in a simple way. The boy next to him had hardened his features, but was listening to everything Donghyuck had to say. 

“There’s nothing wrong to admire someone over it, but the moment you start to overthink and compare things that are not related to whom you are is when you’re being unfair to yourself” Renjun understood the message Donghyuck was trying to convey, weakly nodding in agreement. He felt lost like a child once again, reaching for the person that hit him with harsh words to hold him instead.

Hold him because he was weak, because he knew it was all wrong yet he couldn’t move on. On top of it, because he finally started to realize when all his insecurities began, making him feel guilty towards the other - it was their damn connection all over again, since the beginning he knew who Donghyuck was and it scared him that the other would judge him because of them being supposedly perfect matches. It weighted more than expected. It also didn’t help the entire group being as perfect and united as they were since pre-debut, making him always feel like an intruder. 

This ended up reflecting on work as everything was tied together, there was no Renjun without his group and that made him feel insignificant compared to them. 

They were all obviously close nowadays, but a few issues from the past could haunt people sometimes. 

Suddenly he had the urge to cry again. Did he even have tears left for that? 

Perhaps the other indeed wasn’t the best person to seek out when feeling bad, although Donghyuck tried to be careful when speaking, many of those words were like a cold water bucket poured over Renjun. However, it somehow also made Renjun’s mind to ponder over it - which was an improvement considering all he did lately was mop about it. 

Donghyuck did understand where he stood in all that mess and allowed the other to bury his face once again, but this time Renjun used the dry side. “Are you trying to make my shoulders symmetrically wet?” Donghyuck joked about it, but was frowning from that observation. 

A frail muffled laugh erupted on his shoulder, arms tightly wrapped around his waist. “It dries the tears better since it’s dry” Renjun whispered with humor, for Donghyuck’s relief. Renjun did wonder how it was to see the world through Donghyuck’s lenses sometimes, it seemed weird and interesting at the same time. 

“I am sorry” Renjun whispered regretfully, remembering the cause of the injury on Donghyuck’s mark was none other than his fault. Donghyuck shook his shoulder annoyingly to expel the boy from it once again, causing Renjun to groan annoyed. “What?” the boy was now glaring with annoyance directed at Donghyuck, because Renjun was being empathic towards his situation, but was met with a stupid grin on the younger’s features.

“It is not sorry, but thank you” Renjun tilted his head, slightly feeling dazed. He promptly snorted wittily retorting “Why should I thank you?”. Since Donghyuck wouldn’t accept his apology he’d return to their regular comfortable banters, also because Donghyuck was probably annoying him on purpose to lighten up the atmosphere. 

“Because I am treating you to a meal with my hard earned money” Donghyuck smugly reached for his back pocket that had indeed a wallet and shoved it onto Renjun’s face just like he’d usually do just to brag about. 

“King crab it is then” Renjun concluded with a grin, making Donghyuck’s smile falter immediately complaining about it being too expensive. 

Renjun was sure the sunshine really shone bright for him that day. 


	10. Chapter 10

Life remained uneventful after his outburst with Donghyuck. Some days he felt like he was better than the previous day even being able to laugh heartily with his friends only to be followed by other days when he seemed to have reached the bottom of the pit. 

Renjun didn’t cry frequently though, most of the time he would be lifelessly lying down somewhere to reflect upon his life. Questions remaining unanswered, although the chat with Donghyuck and Kun did show some sort of light. However, reflecting upon it was like poking a bruise deep and making it bleed all over again. 

Thinking all over again about the past made him somewhat resentful. He understood by now where the main sources of his insecurities began. What now? Instead of finding a way to solve it, he busied himself cursing their connection even more. Deep down he wished soulmates wouldn’t exist so he wouldn’t feel burdened about feeling unsuitable.

He felt like a child being scolded for being wrong, but stubbornly not getting the message and making the same mistakes all over again. 

Comebacks proved to add even more to the stress, but thankfully while they were still preparing for it and rehearsing, they still had some free time to enjoy themselves. Mark and Donghyuck had to divide their times between group activities, since Dream was currently just preparing for comeback, 127 still had some schedules because of their Japanese Debut released in the last month. 

It was a Saturday rainy evening, great for staying inside the dorms and wasting time watching either movies or series, Renjun was sprawled on the beige L shaped couch of their dorm, head resting on a cushion. It was a lazy day off, so he was obviously wearing comfortable clothes to stay inside. He did miss having a blanket to cover himself to add up to the coziness of the atmosphere, but it was near summertime and he refused to have so many layers. 

Renjun was alone watching TV shows. There was a vast variety of shows to watch, but he picked the investigation ones. There were shows about every type of crime: passionate ones, betrayals, serial killers.

The one airing in this particular moment was about the betrayal of soulmates after they were already without the tattoo, meaning they had a deep connection with their other half. It was supposedly a perfect alibi, no one would think a loving connection would end up in a murder. Renjun was focused watching the episode that he barely heard a creaking noise from a door being opened from one of the rooms. 

“Good day” Jaemin greeted amidst a long yawn, lazily dragging himself still wearing his marine dark blue pajamas. He headed to sit on the extremity that Renjun had his feet resting, tapping them to give space. Renjun deadpanned watching the other, but he did move his feet to give space. “It’s nearly six o’clock on the evening, the day’s nearly ending” Jaemin clearly just got up, hair still disheveled, but it was cute. 

“What matters is how I feel, for me it’s like the day just began so it is still a good day” Jaemin justified now sitting adequately, spine aligned impeccably with cushions behind him to support that position. It honestly seemed uncomfortable, but having to endure so many treatments due to his herniated disc made the other take extra care of it. Renjun rolled his eyes and started to focus on the screen once again, by now they were interviewing family and friends from the victim to describe how the relationship between the soulmates was. 

“The heck are you watching?” Jaemin that stopped to actually pay attention to the television was confused by the show being aired. “That’s so creepy” he mumbled, but actually was interested in the story being explained. 

“Isn’t it? That’s why people shouldn’t fantasize soulmates!” Renjun declared indignantly as he kept thinking how someone could love and yet kill his soulmate for the sake of receiving life insurance in exchange. He could give the person the benefit of doubt, but it was stated that they had strong evidence on the crime scene. 

“What if I am yours? I doubt you’d keep saying that, I certainly live up to anyone’s fantasies” Jaemin made an assumption with a large grin, winking at Renjun who paid half attention to the nonsense he had to spout sometimes. Renjun's face contorted in displeasure, but only to taunt the other. 

“Thankfully I am not that unlucky” Renjun pushed Jaemin with his foot to make him stop with his shameful flirting. Why? Because he knew for a long time Jaemin also had a zeroed tattoo, but before even meeting him. “No worries Renjeon, my heart is big enough for you and a soulmate. Don’t be upset” Jaemin declared showing he didn’t take any offense by that. 

“Mine isn’t enough even for my soulmate, let alone you” Renjun countered, now sitting up to search for the remote control that he had thrown somewhere across the couch when he was satisfied enough with the channel. Those television shows were indeed the creepy type, it would make one distrust everyone around their surroundings, soulmate included. 

The other pouted hearing that. “So cold. Need some love there.” Immediately Jaemin tackled the other involving him in a bone crushing hug. Renjun tried pushing him away, but he got tired of fighting against the firm grasp. His energy lately was so low he couldn’t believe he hadn’t spent the entire afternoon sleeping, just like Jaemin. Hearing the commotion coming from the living room, two heads peaked out from Jeno’s room: Jisung and Chenle. Seemingly they brought notebooks to make a gaming session along Jeno. They actually wanted to go out to play basketball, but the rainy weather dispelled that idea. 

“You manage to be louder than us playing games.” Jisung pointed out, watching the scene of Jaemin wrapped around Renjun like a vine with interest. Jisung made sure to stay rooted in his spot, knowing those two would manage to fit him in the middle of them - the ‘privilege’ of being the youngest. “Help me?” Renjun pleaded while looking up at the two youngsters, now protecting his neck with his hand from his overly loving member that was trying to kiss it.

“Not a chance” Chenle made a disgusted face, because he was sure he’d also be a victim if he dared approaching one of their most affectionate members. 

“Are you watching rated movies to get so chummy with each other?” Jeno suddenly also appeared behind the door taking a peek out of curiosity, he asked teasingly making Renjun groan knowing no one would help him after all. Jaemin started laughing beside him. 

Despite all the teasing, Jaemin replied to the question, arms still holding the other. “Renjun was watching crime cases about a soulmate killing the other.”

“Morbid, I’m in!” Jisung enthusiastically said as he went to find a room on the couch. Since there was none because both were lying down on it, he plopped down over the torso of the two instead causing both to groan. Jeno by now headed to stand close to them and check if the tv show was indeed about it “Horror movie after?” he suggested, thinking today had a perfect atmosphere for a movie session. “Yeah” Jaemin managed to answer underneath the mess the three were on the couch. 

So much for Renjun’s peaceful evening. 

Meanwhile, Chenle raised a brow questioningly towards Renjun, being reminded of a small rant about soulmates the older did months ago. He had a theory that Renjun had something against soulmates, but why exactly he couldn’t pinpoint as it made no sense to hate them so much. 

Was it really only because it felt forced to be paired with someone? Most people didn’t meet nor marry their soulmates nowadays and it made no difference in their lives so for Chenle it did not justify. Renjun also didn’t have a bruise to signal rejection. It didn’t seem a hatred for not knowing who it was, it seemed like a deep rejection towards it even existing even though everyone had those marks. 

What was the reason after all? Was Renjun acting weird lately because of his soulmate? However the story did not connect as the other always rejected knowing who it was. 

Chenle was brainstorming trying to figure out the big charade that this was for him. 

And where did the crush he thought Renjun had fit in that subject? 

‘Oh.’ 

Chenle was having an inner debate and widened his eyes realizing that when he was accusing Renjun about his crush the other deviated by questioning about soulmates suddenly. 

‘Could it be…?’

The three on the couch had seemed to reach an agreement, sitting adequately on the couch, but now Jisung was sitting on the left corner of the couch, Jaemin exchanging his victim because he loved the youngest like it was his own child. Jeno headed to the kitchen to make some popcorn for them to eat while watching tv. 

Chenle spotted his prey that was focusing once again on the television, biting the fingertip of his thumb while nervously watching the documentary. Chenle knew he’d be audacious to bluff so openly like that, but he was quite certain he was right this time. Due to worry, he’d been waiting for months for Renjun to open up about anything that bothered him, but never receiving anything. Chenle was quite impatient, but he managed to respect Renjun’s decision. However, trying this maybe he’d harvest at least a clue back. 

He sneakily approached Renjun and sat down on the right arm of the couch. That move didn’t make the other flinch, because he was very interested in the show. Chenle bent down, mouth close to Renjun’s ear to be able to whisper his assumption. “I know who your soulmate is” Renjun instantly shifted his gaze towards the younger, astonished for a glimpse of second, but that could mean so much if read correctly. 

“Who is it?” Renjun asked nonchalantly, pretending to be completely oblivious to what the other was speaking about. Renjun did not know what Chenle was up to, nor why he decided to bother him now. Maybe it was a prank due to him watching a program about soulmates because of his rant about hating them months ago. It’s been at least five months, why the heck would he connect anything now?

Once Chenle murmured the name he saw how the older’s face expression morphed into a dumbfounded expression. 

Then Chenle was hit by awestruck as well: finally he had an answer. 


	11. Chapter 11

Door was securely shut behind them, both standing inside Renjun’s room by now. It was an idiotic move, because he realized by now that he didn’t need to drag Chenle away from the living room. They could speak in chinese in front of other members and the rest wouldn’t understand a single thing, but the thought of having that sort of conversation in front of them was unnerving. The younger was still too awestruck to actually say something. 

“Wow” Chenle barely managed to utter after his discovery, he wondered how Renjun managed to keep it a secret for 3 years already. On the other hand, Renjun collapsed on his own bed, feeling an incoming headache from the stress. Meanwhile, Chenle managed to sit down on the chair nearby the desk placed in front of the bed. 

There was fear reflected on Renjun’s eyes and Chenle could tell it from seeing it. “You’d better keep your mouth shut” Renjun was apprehensive, but started speaking in chinese to indicate the other should use the same language in order to keep it a secret from others. Chenle nodded, not exactly knowing how to start, feeling numb from the discovery. From his point of view he noticed Renjun often watched his surroundings, but there was a particular person his gaze would linger slightly longer than others. 

He had not expected it to be from dissatisfaction instead of love though. 

Although Chenle could make his gears work to reach the soulmate’s conclusion, nothing else really made sense. From his standpoint the entire group was close, weren’t they also close? “Why do you hate your soulmate? I thought you got along well?” Chenle finally decided to abandon his theory of it being a crush as it clearly indicated Renjun hated their connection. However, he had no idea if that was the reason Renjun seemed to be inflicted with so much pain. 

Renjun decided to lay down with arms sprawled on his bed, eyes emptily fixated on the ceiling. “I don’t hate him. I hate this stupid bond that destiny decided against my will” Sighing was the only thing he could manage to do, knowing fully well this question was coming. It was the truth. He doesn’t remember exactly when he started repudiating the connection many regarded as special. There were never feelings of hatred towards his counterpart though he did get annoyed a few times. 

Chenle frowned hearing those words, because they didn’t clarify anything either. “You’re overreacting. You’re not exactly obliged to have anything with your kindred soul.” It was obvious he wasn’t, but the mark carried its meaning along with its burden. Renjun didn’t know why he felt so pressured regarding that subject.

“I know” Renjun placed his right forearm over his eyes, legs hanging on the edge of the bed. It was like a failed attempt to hide himself from the situation. “I just feel like this regarding soulmates in general” Renjun answered vaguely, he never really thought about why he felt that way. Was it only because of his inferiority complex? 

Or maybe he watched too much tv shows that had the only purpose of disillusioning people from that special connection. 

“Aren’t you being self-centered? Doesn’t he deserve to know? I mean, it’s his connection as well” Chenle was right, Donghyuck did deserve to know about it, yet it would make no difference in his life. Actually, he was previously afraid of being considered unsuitable, but now he was afraid of being truly hated. Indirectly, through his pessimism regarding the validity of their connection, he inflicted pain to him. Although Donghyuck assured him he did not mind about what the meaning behind those bruises meant, he doubted he’d be able to sustain such an optimistic vision like him. 

“I am. He doesn’t need to know who inflicts the pain to him. His tattoo is bruised” Renjun admitted, feeling slightly ashamed and frail in front of the younger. He felt pathetic for feeling that way, but he couldn’t control it. 

It was too much information for Chenle to absorb all at once. “He has a bruised tattoo and I can’t even tease him about it? This hurts me as much as that must hurt his ego” He suddenly commented sniggering, not caring so much for the glare Renjun immediately directed at him after removing his forearm from his eyes. 

After finally ceasing his laughter, he proceeded to add. “I doubt he is bothered by it. We know he isn’t the type to care. Also, soulmates are supposed to…” As Renjun detected the younger was about to spout some nonsense and delusional perspective about the connection, he intercepted it because he was tired of that same old discourse. “Don’t talk about soulmates being accepting, we hear about a lot of abuses thanks to that ‘special’ connection”

Being with a soulmate doesn’t instantly mean a happily ever after, doesn’t mean there won’t be bad moments nor that they can’t hurt you. It just means that according to destiny that person is supposedly the one that matches better for you. Character integrity wasn’t assured, because from the moment you are born, you’re devoid of bad traits. 

How is a freaking tattoo that selected you during birth supposed to know how your integrity will be once you grow up?

Chenle paused his trail of thoughts after hearing it. It was somewhat worrisome hearing how the boy was overly afraid of the attachment. “Aren’t you only afraid of being hurt?” He concluded after taking in the situation appropriately. “It almost seems like you think of soulmates as solely a romantic relationship. There are many that remained as best friends” Although Chenle seemed distracted playing with the office chair, he was paying attention to their talk. After getting tired of turning on the chair, he dragged it closer to the bed in order to stretch his legs, comfortably resting them on the edge now. 

Renjun didn’t see him fitting enough to any of those labels, so he’d rather not burden the other by revealing himself as his soulmate only to subjugate Donghyuck into being any of those. “I’d rather not reveal it, because no one can guarantee that he’d not feel obligated to be any of those categories. That I do not wish. He already has a best friend, he’d probably find someone suitable as a romantic pair as well” Chenle tilted his head to the side, for once in his life trying to suppress his curiosity. Also, Renjun was quite stubborn, so he doubted anything he’d tell would change his mind.

“You seem to care about him a whole lot despite hating the connection” Chenle pointed out. Hearing that statement, Renjun could swear the boy would raise his brows teasingly like Jaemin would, but he was met with a neutral expression like Chenle was seriously reflecting about it. “But all of this is you making assumptions about how he would feel and trying to supposedly protect him from being disappointed. Have you ever wondered if you’re not only protecting yourself actually?”

“Of course I am protecting myself, but by doing such I am protecting him from a heartache as well” Renjun indignantly defended his decision to keep it as a secret. He managed to live peacefully in the last three years without the need of telling, why should he change any of it now?

“You choose the answer for him. He never had an option. I’d be frustrated if I discovered later my soulmate tried to bury everything, deciding on his own what was best for me. For many it still is a special connection. It is your right to decide upon what regards you. If you don’t want to have anything to do with him that is fine, but you have no right to decide on what regards to him.” The harsh accusation uttered by a younger person added to Renjun’s bitterness. He knew his mindset was all wrong, but what wasn’t wrong in him?

“It regards me as well! And I don’t want it, so what’s the point of revealing?” Renjun sat up, agitated by the blow he just received, making clear how distressed he felt hearing it for anyone that watched the scene. It was natural for him to instantly adopt a defensive discourse, because in his opinion he wasn’t wrong in hiding it. Many could live their lives without knowing who the other was, why should he expose himself only for the other to have any opinions regarding it? 

Donghyuck seemed fine to not know and Renjun was fine with not doing anything about it. 

Amidst his heated state, suddenly the door creaked open, revealing three pairs of eyes behind it, all of them taking a peek inside to see if the duo was doing fine. “We came to watch you fight, too bad the popcorn is in the living room.” Donghyuck grinned while glancing at both of them that were seemingly shocked for being interrupted.

“We could hear from the entrance.” Mark nervously added, uncomfortable for interrupting their conversation. “I got worried because we can never tell apart if you’re chatting or fighting when speaking in chinese” He quickly justified their invasion as the other two shut their mouths that were slightly agape. 

“Don’t worry, they are always like this” Jeno seemed unaffected by the loudness of the pair, mostly because it was an usual occurrence there. Chenle sighed, admitting defeat for now as he couldn’t keep discussing in front of them. Since they were speaking in their mother language, he did add one last thing before they finished their talk. 

Chenle spared him a glance and mumbled “There’s no need for a point” Renjun glared at him for still commenting in front of the others about the subject, even if the others couldn’t understand a thing. Chenle exchanged his attention focusing now on the rest, eyes resting slightly longer on Donghyuck that was completely oblivious. 

“Yes. We were just chatting. What brings you to invade my privacy though?’ Renjun finally questioned realizing there were curious eyes still watching the exchange with interest, though he doubted they would ask what they were talking about.

“Movie night, popcorn is ready. You guys were the only ones missing” Jeno frowned as he was quite sure both were in the living room when he made the suggestion. However, since Jeno was very nice and also patient he repeated it kindly. 

“I was hungry from all the gaming, going first!” Chenle dismissively said, promptly jumpin up excitedly from his seat, heading out first. He passed by Mark tapping his shoulders in a friendly way. Mark followed after him as they started to engage in a chat about recent movies that were about to be released. 

Jeno stared questioningly at his friend that remained unmoving, still lodged on his bed. Renjun understood the silent doubt from his friend answering with a “I’ll head out after”

“We’ll pick the movie without you, is that fine?” Jeno raised a brow still unsure if it was really fine to leave the other alone. He did pick a few unusual behaviours from his friend that made the group worried, for example Renjun would always bicker to pick what they would watch. 

“I am not that egoist to fight everytime we pick a movie to watch!” Renjun assured, smiling. However both noticed the smile did not reach his eyes. Jeno felt slightly taken aback, but nodded unwilling to leave. The two intruders that remained there exchanged gazes very briefly, until Donghyuck voiced something “I’ll head after too” this somehow made Jeno relieved, agreeing to leave them alone. 

After Jeno left, he shut the door behind him. Sighing, Donghyuck headed to sit down beside Renjun. They didn’t have enough time to talk about anything afterwards that day, because Donghyuck was busy with schedules from 127 together with Mark. They did live close enough to them to always see each other though, but always with more people together. 

Renjun became tense being in the same room with Donghyuck. First, because he was the one who read him the best and also knew what troubled him. It did not help to his apprehensiveness that Donghyuck was also the topic being talked about with Chenle just now. 

“Is everything okay?” The piercing gaze was directed to none other than him, the question lingered on his mind, because Renjun hasn’t been well for a long time now. Donghyuck had a head tilted to the side watching him while waiting for an answer. Renjun breathed in, allowing himself to stare back. Eyes fixed on each other. “Yes” he assured, hands firmly grasping the edges of the bed that rested on either side. 

“There are downs, but this is expected. I guess. Not really in the mood to talk about” Renjun knew if he didn’t add this, the other might bother him until he reached a limit. 

Silence was established between them, as his soulmate remained quiet, seemingly accepting the answer given to him. Donghyuck reached his hand to fix a strand of hair that was out of place from his fringe. Renjun was taking in the scene quietly. Seemingly the boy was contained today, because usually he would simply mess up his hair even more just to annoy him further. 

Meanwhile his head started rethinking his short talk with Chenle just now. 

Why was he afraid of being hurt after all? What he was protecting himself from?

It was not like Donghyuck would indeed reject him and, just like Chenle observed, he barely seemed concerned over that. Also, the conclusion reached was that he suffered from his inferiority complex for at least three years, because ever since the discovery of his soulmate he felt unsuitable. Why does the weight from all of this burst after several years?

Once he zoomed back to the situation in question, Renjun noticed that Donghyuck still had fingers caressing over a few strands of his hair, but gaze dangerously dropped towards his lips. 

Renjun’s breath was hitched by that action. Ribcage feeling slightly tighter than usual. Cheeks warm due to the sudden situation that never happened between them, or at least not that he remembers. 

Once his gaze abandoned his lips, they met up with Renjun’s eyes again. Donghyuck realized he had been exposed, judging from the other’s reaction, but was not really embarrassed by it. This only made Renjun become even more aware of the other, breaths becoming shallow by the distance that was closing in due to the other hesitantly approaching him. However, he stopped halfway startled by something. “The others are waiting for us” He disrupted whatever was happening between them by stating that, suddenly standing up. Renjun tilted his head up, signs of being flustered on his face. 

Donghyuck did stare down, gently offering his hand to which Renjun managed to accept amidst his dazed state, being pulled up by it. 

Then both headed back to their members without sharing a single word on their way to the living room.


	12. Chapter 12

As time passed by, Renjun drowned himself in work with the pretense of dispelling thoughts and questions that kept popping up. He’d work himself up until he’d be too drained to do anything other than sleep afterwards. One would think he was being overworked by the company, but it was his will (this time only). Donghyuck acted normal, like nothing happened. Renjun didn’t know if he was relieved or bothered by that, but also tried to avoid reflecting about.

Comeback was hastily approaching, so he shouldn’t waste his time thinking about that. Instead of moping around about not being enough, stubborn Renjun decided it was better to do something to prove himself that he was indeed enough. He’d repeat over and over again that being stubborn was what made him reach what everyone believed was only a dream with no perspective of becoming reality. 

Rehearsals started a few weeks ago, choreography already mostly perfected by them. It was actually very stressful pre-comeback moments, because they always held expectatives for their songs to do well in charts. 

During break, Renjun had his arm around Mark’s shoulder while everyone was gathered in a circle discussing what Mark would do when he’d complete 20 years old - more like teasing him. Although Mark completing 20 years old also meant he’d eventually graduate from Dream, everyone tried to avoid thinking about it otherwise the entire atmosphere would be permanently a sulking one - not something needed for their last comeback with Mark. 

“I bet Mark’s been illegally drinking since underage, so I doubt turning twenty will affect him in any way” Donghyuck added sniggering while clinging onto Jeno’s shoulder. Mark frowned, but before he could defend himself, someone butted in. 

“Of course it will! 20 years means he will rush to get his driver’s licence so he could go around to date!” Chenle blurted out another possibility for idols when they reached that age - it was known between them that having a driver’s license and a car enabled them to sidetrack some of their fans and paparazzi. 

“So that is why he was flirting with Mina!” Jisung said like he made a brilliant discovery, jaw dropped and covering his mouth comically. 

“I see a lot happened while I was away from you guys” Jaemin dramatized making pouty lips, like he had been excluded from knowing everything. He was obviously joking, but he did feel upset for being away from the group for so long. 

“It was last week though?” Jeno stared awkwardly at Jaemin while pointing that out, but ended up helping to boost Jisung’s accusation in the process. Everyone started laughing at the suffering face Mark was making at this point. 

“Will ageing give him any sort of responsibility?” Renjun shook his head jokingly like Mark indeed committed a crime.

“Guys, I am still here” Mark tried reminding them this as an attempt to make them leave the matter aside. He had nothing else to say, because his members wouldn’t stop teasing him whenever they had the possibility. 

Although they liked to torture Mark it was because they loved him too much (and also because his reactions were too funny to not do that regularly). Those moments between his friends were joyous, making him briefly forget the issues that pained him. Renjun didn’t feel like he had to push himself into pretending, so he managed to appear as natural as possible when facing them as a group. 

Although he ended up realizing he had a few symptoms of depression, in his opinion it wasn’t that bad because he didn’t have the wish to hurt himself and was an actual functional being. Just a few moments the buzz inside his mouth was too loud to the point of disturbing his focus. Unfortunately, they had work to do and break quickly ended, thus restarting rehearsals successfully interrupting their chatter - for Mark’s relief. 

By the end of the day, everyone was collecting their belongings to go home, except Renjun who decided to keep training until he hopefully fainted due to fatigue. Some would head out to eat something then head home, others would go straight home and order take out. Renjun dismissed all, finding an excuse that he had forgotten to return a book he borrowed from Ten and would meet him up later. 

Renjun pretended to be putting away his belongings inside his bag, but slower than usual, hoping he did not raise suspicion or else he’d have to leave only to return later. When every single soul left the room, he headed to sit down on the corner of the room. The studio had a hardwood bright floor, bright illumination, beige soundproof walls - this place was too bright even at the end of the evening. Legs stretched on the floor, everyone would usually wear black clothes during practice sessions, because it would be bothersome to wash clothes later so in order to not mix clothes of different colors everyone wore black shirts and pants so they could simply put everything together in the washing machine. Renjun removed his cap for a brief moment, because it was warming up his head in an uncomfortable amount. 

When being alone was the worst. It was usually when he’d have to endure his pessimistic thoughts without any distraction unless he found one. He started singing their title track to distract himself, but the song sometimes triggered his thoughts - it was like a stupid endless cycle. Perhaps today wasn’t a good day to prolong practice, because he felt tired and mind was unmotivated. 

Why was he being so easily triggered? He kept questioning what led him to have such an ungraceful downfall, because none of it made sense. Renjun always suffered from some sort of inferiority complex, it did not worsen when his members teased his cracked voice. So why now of all the times? Was it because he felt the weight of being their first official comeback as NCT Dream together with Jaemin so everything had to be perfect? Or was it because it was Mark’s last year? 

Another question that popped up was regarding his soulmate.

Since the beginning of the year he started questioning further their connection, but what triggered him the change after years of dismissing it as just some sort of mistake destiny committed to actually cause grief for its existence? Donghyuck was right and something about their connection pulled his strings, but what bothered him so much? His talk with Chenle replayed regularly inside his mind and he wondered if opening up regarding his soulmate would lift any sort of weight from his restless mind. 

Amidst his thoughts, the practice room’s door was discourteously opened by two figures wearing black invading it, footsteps hastily closing distance. If he didn’t know who both were he could swear he was being kidnapped. It was Donghyuck and Chenle watching him unfazed. “Get up, we’ll go out to eat” Donghyuck demanded, watching the other raise his gaze ever so slowly. Renjun eyed Chenle suspiciously, wondering if he decided to gossip about the matters he made him swear to keep as a secret, but judging there was no change in his soulmate’s demeanour he supposed not. 

“Not hungry” Renjun mumbled, adjusting his cap back on his head. He didn’t move an inch, signaling he had refused their proposal. Donghyuck and Chenle exchanged stern gazes, both nodding in a silent agreement. Instantly, they put into action their plan. Both grabbed each side of his arm, pulling him to stand up. The boy was protesting, not really trying to fight back as he obviously didn’t have the strength to win against two of them bothering him. “I am going to sue both for physical abuse” Renjun whined as Chenle kept pulling him while Donghyuck released his arm to grab his belongings that were on a bench, placing the backpack hanging on only one of his shoulders as his back already had his own backpack placed there. 

“Try me” Chenle challenged, knowing Renjun was making an empty threat, but it was kind of terrifying Chenle being the one answering that due to his family background. 

“Ooh. Intimidating. I like it” Donghyuck praised his friend, raising his hand to give him a high five which was immediately returned. Renjun was speechless for a moment seeing the exchange. 

“Are you two uniting forces just to bully me?” Renjun sounded betrayed, walking along the two that were pulling each arm of his.

“I feel offended. We’re just two kind souls” Chenle retorted, knowing fully well that Renjun had been staying back some days to practice more, having heard from his dorm mates that they had no clue what time he returned.

Renjun was now glaring at Donghyuck that had an annoying grin on his face. “It was his idea” he signaled with his head towards Chenle’s direction. 

“Now we’re blaming each other? I thought we were partners in crime!” Chenle hissed at being blamed for it when it was an agreement between all members that they would drag their friend out. Incredibly, this wasn’t decided by rock-paper-scissors as both ended up volunteering to do the task. 

“What do you want after all?” Renjun wasn’t really in the mood to watch both bickering, so he intruded before the two actually forgot that he was standing in the middle of them. 

“Eat” both answered simultaneously, causing Renjun to groan. It wasn’t like he didn’t enjoy the company, but he had more important things to focus at the moment. Thoughts of how to improve himself to not drag down anyone that he loved. “I don’t want to. I need to practice” Renjun muttered further, though he doubted he would be able to do so today judging by the way his mind was acting up. 

“Do you think this is some sort of competition?” Donghyuck answered him sharply, knowing fully well what the other was thinking by overworking himself like this. This only earned an annoyed growl from Renjun - why did he confide in these two idiots? The lack of answer made him know he had placed a finger on a bruise, but sometimes Renjun needed that sort of slap from reality. “We will practice together then” Donghyuck added while the other remained quiet, with nothing to really rebut - it was some sort of competition with himself after all. 

“We will?” Chenle deadpanned, earning a ‘are you serious?’ gaze from Donghyuck, but it was only for the sake of entertaining himself. Chenle started giggling from the face his friend made. “Joking. We are a team, we must suffer together.” not that he fancied that idea very much. 

“Unless you intend to go solo and abandon us.” Donghyuck raised a brow in defiance, clearly uttering those words only to needle Renjun further. He knew harassing him that way would at least earn some fuss. Renjun narrowed his eyes hearing that - it was a challenge. “That is exactly my wish, getting rid of you” he snarled, receiving a chuckle from the other instead. 

“Don’t say that!” Chenle frowned upon hearing it, feeling lost for a second. He was quite sure they could be just having their daily banters, but Renjun did seem mad. 

Renjun gave in as he intercalated between murderously eyeing each one of them. "Can you stop trying to disassemble me? I am a willing victim!" Chenle and Donghyuck promptly released him. Renjun followed from behind now quietly, mumbling curses under his breath. 

"Serenade me later, mr. soloist" Donghyuck inclined to whisper, glint of a playful mischievousness on his orbs. Renjun quirked his brows. He’d usually pretend to be nauseated and throw up, but he remained frozen on the spot. His flushed state was provoked by that, but Chenle seemingly remained unaware of what just happened. Donghyuck was taken aback by his reaction. However, instead of saying something, he just observed with great interest.

Renjun awareness surrounding Donghyuck increased drastically, since the happenings on the movie night. Could his reactions be justified only by that? It was not like Donghyuck wouldn’t jokingly flirt with him (he did that with everyone actually), but he knew his reactions would always be either kick his ass for the teasing or act disgusted. 

Chenle noticed Renjun stopping on his tracks “You said you’d come” Chenle whined, grabbing his hand gently and pulling the astonished boy with him, causing Donghyuck to snigger from behind. 

Then it happened like an epiphany. 

Renjun widened his eyes and shifted them towards Donghyuck that was now checking his cell phone distracted from his surroundings. 

Thoughts flooded with the years of playful banters, growth, laughters and cries shared together and most importantly the trust. He did share those with all of his members, but the vulnerability easily pulled out from his reserved façade by Donghyuck was a sign that perhaps he had a soft spot for his kindred soul for quite a while.

And maybe, just maybe, he liked the said idiot. 


	13. Chapter 13

They were backstage preparing for the presentation, Renjun was on the chair busy being dolled up. 

Eyelids shut lightly while the makeup artist applied the eyeshadow. He was already dressed up, everyone was wearing some sort of school blazer for tonight’s stage, he particularly was wearing a black one with white details on its outlines. The hair clips were keeping his fringe in place to expose his face completely for the makeup. Later the hairdresser would adjust his hair for the presentation. 

Jisung was on the chair next to him playing some mobile games, next on the line to be prepared. The missing members were either changing clothes or going after food and drinks. Since it was a comeback stage they would be one of the last to perform, so they had a long waiting room time. Renjun barely felt hungry lately, so he’d rather just get ready first while the others laze around for a bit - not that they could do it for a long time before being submitted to the same process. He did admit to feeling tired, but he brushed it off as the stress piling up from the comeback. 

_ Was it really? _

A whistle interrupted his relaxing time causing him to spare a glance upwards, meeting up with Jaemin with a grin plastered on his lips “Sexy” he winked towards him, earning a raise of eyebrow from Renjun. Right after him was Jeno that had a candy in his mouth singing absently. Both still in their daily clothes while Renjun already ended his makeup and hair - not that they had to add much detail, it was just to add a glow in their features. 

“Won’t you guys at least change clothes?” Renjun observed wondering how they could remain so calm while he still felt anxious before every stage they had. 

“Mark, Haechan and Chenle are changing clothes, but it seems like they decided to wrestle while at it because they were being noisy as hell. So we decided to wait.” Jeno sat down on the couch placed on the other side of the room stating it like a daily occurence in their lives. 

“I am impressed Jisung isn’t with them” Renjun pointed out, because if there was something that would make anyone hopeless was uniting the trio of brats their group had.

“Jisungie would be lost if he was there. He’s just a small child” Jaemin’s statement made a snort to erupt from the boy seated on Renjun’s left that still could hear his surroundings even though he was focused on the mobile game. Jaemin instantly started to bother him, taking advantage that the other didn’t apply makeup yet, by pinching both of his cheeks. 

Speaking of the devils, the three came in together laughing their asses off. Mark seemed to be near collapsing from laughing too much. Not that it was too hard to make him laugh, probably that’s what made him so lovable: how easily he could smile.

Before they passed straight by them, Chenle eyed the group reunited in front of them, stopping on his tracks. “Whoa! you’re already done?” Chenle was impressed because they arrived for about a half an hour at the studio. They usually would take their time for a bit before getting ready for the stage. Also because the weather was kind of warm to stay wearing their stage clothes, makeup would melt as well. Unless Renjun had absolutely no desire to leave their dressing room. 

“I like being pretty.” Renjun countered in indifference, not feeling attacked by everyone questioning him about it. 

“You’re already pretty though.” Donghyuck pretended to add it as an innocent remark, but mischievousness was dripping from his tone of voice. This earned cheer from the rest of the group. “Ooh.” The rest annoyingly chanted, causing Renjun to make a suffering expression.

Renjun stared menacingly at them and Donghyuck altogether. “Get off from my sight all of you” He grunted while shooing them away. The group laughed, taking no offense.

“Why am I being expelled? I just praised you!” Donghyuck whined, but it was obvious he was just being annoying trying to prolong his stay - not that Renjun had the power to control him. 

Renjun suspiciously looked up at the boy that seemingly wouldn’t do anything else to trigger him. “Then you stay and the rest leave” He dismissively said to the others, which made the annoying devil to smirk at him. 

They had been in that situation for quite a while, all because of his stupid newfound feelings towards his soulmate. Instead of being a push and pull relationship, it seemed more like Renjun was the one being pulled around. Donghyuck and him never addressed the subject, but the other lately took enjoyment in being more openly flirtatious and triggering him. 

“I just told you were sexy!” Jaemin also whined feeling offended that his praise was completely disregarded. He crossed his arms indignantly making an annoying pout that instead of being cute made Renjun fear that he’d be thrown with multiple cute acts from his friend. 

“You tell this to everyone and anything.” Mark pointed out unhelpfully, which only earned him a glare from Jaemin that was waiting for him to do the contrary. 

Jisung was unpreoccupied, too busy to bother with their antics. “You can stay just because Jisung needs you” Renjun turned his neck to the side, grinning at the youngster that immediately groaned as Jaemin cheered and plopped down on Jisung’s lap. Suddenly Jisung was crying for Jaemin to go away, because he was busy playing his mobile game. At least he got rid of one of the most affectionate members for now, but he forgot completely of the other affectionate member that was standing in front of his chair. 

Chenle laughed putting an arm around Mark and dragging him away towards Jeno, never missing the chance of winking at Renjun suggestively before turning their backs completely. Did he know something? Once Renjun turned his neck back to a straight position, he was found to be trapped as Donghyuck had leaned down, hands supporting his body on each side of his chair’s armrest. There was a glint of something Renjun couldn’t actually identify, but it certainly meant no good coming from Donghyuck. The two beside him were busy bickering to pay attention to them. In truth, Jisung was the only one bickering, because Jaemin was just showering him with endless amounts of love just to annoy him. 

“What is the pretty boy going to do afterwards?” Donghyuck questioned with an unwavering gaze resting on the trapped boy, but this sort of position only made Renjun feel intimidated. Perhaps his eyes lingered down to the lips spouting nonsense to him, but he made sure to return them soon to glare at the other. 

This felt like a mistake.

Wasn’t his feelings just a preposterous idea that began only because they were soulmates? Or would he fall anyway disregarding their connection? Or was it because of their connection that he was drawn to Donghyuck?

Renjun scoffed and pushed him away - not that Donghyuck gave much fight, because it was obvious he was just joking around. Renjun managed to stand up from his chair for someone else to have his make-up done. “I am busy with a stage. Come back later.” He promptly rejected the attempt of flirt thrown at him, starting to walk away towards the others that were on the couch.

“I will” Donghyuck promised him, earning a glare for his shameless actions. It sounded like a taunt, but at the same time it could be a vow that indeed later something might happen. 

\-----------------------------

After they finally ended recording, the group was heading back to their dressing room. Droplets of sweat forming on their foreheads and legs yearning for a place to sit down. Everyone was heading back, Renjun falling behind from feeling more tired than usual. Maybe because he’d spent nights without being able to sleep properly. 

‘Stress’ he’d justify every time. 

He was fine. 

He was a functional human being after all. 

Suddenly, he bumped into someone without noticing, too lost in his thoughts to pay attention to his surroundings. The automatic response was to apologize, but paused before his eyes went up to see whom he actually bumped into. 

There he was, Donghyuck staring at him clearly unamused. Renjun searched for the rest of the members, but no one seemed to be around besides many unknown staff and other groups roaming around. “What’s up with that?” Instead of questioning his state, Donghyuck directed the question pointing at the fanny pack that was wrapped crossing his torso from his shoulder towards his waist. 

“I don’t know, ask the stylist not me” Renjun shrugged off, not really in the mood to have small talks with him nor anyone. He was about to reestablish his walking pace, only to have it blocked by Donghyuck. Before he could utter any complaints, the other simply grabbed him by the fanny pack, dragging him away abruptly. 

“The heck?” Renjun protested, trying to free the hand grasping the item. Feet following from being pulled by the other, just following him. 

“You’re looking like a fool walking, so nothing more to match other than drag you ridiculously” Donghyuck justified, they did stir up some curiosity between staff, but it was common for male idols to be playful around the corridors, so no one really paid mind to them for a long time. Renjun felt shy, not really wanting to see the other’s reactions, so he stared downwards all the way to not meet anyone’s gaze. 

They entered in a dressing room, but it took a little bit for Renjun to assimilate once he stepped inside that it was empty. 

He blinked in confusion, now focusing on the other that shut the door behind them. “Where are we?” the question seemed quite stupid actually, since it was obvious at this point. There would be once in a while a few dressing rooms empty either because there weren’t many idols promoting at that time for that music show or because schedules overlapped. He should’ve questioned why they were there actually, but his mind wasn’t in the brightest moments. 

“Empty dressing room” Donghyuck answered flatly the obvious, knowing the other would realize that by now. 

“Thank you, could never recognize one if you didn’t tell me” Renjun said sarcastically, noticing that Donghyuck still had his hand on the fanny pack, promptly locking the door and dragging the helpless boy with him towards one of the hairdressing chairs in front of the mirror, similar to the one he was sitting on earlier when getting dolled up. Donghyuck released him, staring at him still using the same expression from earlier.

Renjun didn’t even attempt an eye contact, instead he plopped down on the hairdresser chair, he stared at himself in the mirror. Although he was staring at himself, mind always tended to roam elsewhere. Things that anyone would notice if they paid attention to how unfocused his pupils became - and Donghyuck was that anyone. 

A hand sank on his hair, caressing softly his scalp. Renjun raised his eyes again to focus on Donghyuck that said nothing else. “Are there more things you didn’t tell me?” Donghyuck spoke carefully, not really staring at the boy on the chair while his hands moved on his head to provide some comfort. 

Renjun was afraid that he would succumb eventually, his resolve nearly crumbled every day that passed by. 

All because he couldn’t feel comfortable on his own skin. He swore he was trying to improve, thinking that busying himself would make those problems to eventually fade away. They did disappear momentarily, only to return at night time to steal hours of sleep disguised as stress piling up - or at least that was what he convinced himself about. 

“I don’t have to share everything with you” Renjun removed the hand that was on his head, because he didn’t need any form of pity. He decided to stand up, still not being clarified why he was brought here. His vulnerability was usually exposed once people decided to show they worried for him, but that was a double-edged sword because the next moment he’d end up blaming himself all over again for causing it and trying to close in even more to hide. 

“You don’t.” Donghyuck agreed, wearing a neutral expression on his features, still standing in front of him. 

“Then why are you not moving along? There’s nothing else to be said.” Renjun furrowed his brows confusedly as he focused his eyes on the boy standing in front of him. If this was some sort of trap to corner him into admitting everything, it certainly failed. Renjun was too stubborn to open up if he wanted to. Even if his soulmate had already destroyed several walls he had lifted in order to protect himself.

A semblance of a smile appeared on Donghyuck’s lips. “Because I told I would come back later for the pretty boy” this caused a turmoil inside Renjun’s mind for a second, several thoughts clashing only to result in blankness, pupils focused now only on Donghyuck. 

The soulmate that he rejected for feeling unmatching to him. 

Could the irony get even bigger than falling for him?

Of course it did. 

“Let’s ditch our soulmates” Donghyuck whispered in order to not disturb their intimate moment, arms snaking their way around Renjun’s waist amidst his dazed state. He’d laugh at the statement if it didn’t make him want to cry instead.

“What do you even know?” Renjun muttered weakly under his breath, such a vague question that actually had no answer to it. He watched with despair the other carefully think about an answer, mostly because Donghyuck didn’t want to mess this up. 

“I don’t know a thing. You don’t have to share either. I want to know because I care, because I worry and, most importantly, because I like you” Donghyuck replied with honesty, eyes with adoration oozing from them. Renjun was drawn to them, unable to avert his own eyes. 

And this made Renjun’s resolve to partially crumble, simply nodding dumbly. Another wall shattered by a confession made out of the blue, another layer of vulnerability exposed as Renjun stared deeply to those eyes that were trained on him.

Their first kiss was shared in that quiet empty dressing room, only raw emotions guiding them.

However, unlike fairy tales, the tattoo on his right wrist remained intact with those two zeroes taunting him. 


	14. Chapter 14

It was an awkward stage of their relationship, not sure whether they should act like normal friends or being together meant acting different. They had never addressed that matter after their first kiss. 

Were they even officially together?

Immediately after the episode, Renjun was dragged out from there nearly the same way he was brought there, but this time at least he was holding his hand instead of the fanny pack. They had to return before someone came to look after them because they simply disappeared on the way to their dressing room.

"Can't believe I kissed someone wearing fanny packs in this way" Donghyuck mumbled distractingly beside him, Renjun still in a daze because he didn't expect the series of events to unfold. 

"I am worth your embarrassment" Renjun answered back, which Donghyuck squeezed his hand slightly back. 

"That you are" this statement provoked a frown to appear on his features, wondering if he could pretend to vomit from the excess of mushiness.

"Are you really going to be this mellow now?" Renjun asked somewhat irked, because he didn't judge the other to be this soft with his partner.

"Not really, enjoy while you can" Donghyuck kept staring forward dragging Renjun together while passing by the staff, a grin could be seen on his lips.

"You're insufferable" Renjun groaned, pressing his steps to be able to walk beside him instead of following from behind. 

"Maybe your tolerance will increase this way. It's way too low" Donghyuck added playfully to which Renjun protested that his tolerance was quite enough, it was him that overstepped the boundaries.

And that was the silent agreement that they were committed to each other. 

In the following days they would fall into their usual silly banters like which amount of spiciness matched better with Kimchi, the difference was that now it would end up with Donghyuck stealing a peck just to make the other shut up. Soon to turn into another bickering session, because he’d end up laughing and joking about how foolish an astonished Renjun looked which might have triggered the latter to give him a headlock after.

Or Renjun would just laze around Donghyuck’s bed while the latter played on the computer, not really paying mind to his surroundings. Just being together in the same place was enough for them, sometimes leaving aside his headset only to start to sing old songs while Renjun would follow his lead and harmonize together diverting attention from reading his book that Jaemin gave to him. 

Another moment they would be betting on things like who would fail first in some tongue twisters. Only for Donghyuck to end up whining that Renjun cheated while the latter would retort that he lost to a foreigner. Then proceeding to find a random punishment to embarrass him. 

Infrequently they’d sleepover, sharing the tight space provided by their beds, cuddling and talking about the past like trainee days (since they weren’t close at that time) or how they spent their childhoods and what sort of dreams they had when small. Pleasantly, both always dreamed of working with music, so Renjun thinks that maybe they would have met anyway even being from different countries. They eventually would be gently lulled to sleep by their breathings slowing down that were easily heard due to the proximity of their bodies. 

They did not really give much information to others regarding their situation, in truth they didn’t know how to describe it either. Could be why many artists when caught in dating scandals would say they were in a relationship where both had good feelings towards their partner. 

Renjun’s mind was busied with this 'some' relationship lately that most of his issues were left aside, but this was natural considering every couple had their honeymoon period. Unfortunately, he was only dusting the dirt underneath a rug, but he was still oblivious to it, because the infatuation and adoration spoke louder. 

During their promotion’s period, they’d manage to find some time to spend together. Not necessarily glued to each other, you could spot both separated as well. They weren’t the type of people to have the need to stay together to assure one another of something. 

At least for now. 

It became harder as time went by because Mark and Donghyuck had their duties to accomplish with NCT 127, managing somehow to balance their schedules with NCT Dream. It wasn’t disabilitting for Donghyuck while it was just rehearsals, but many times Renjun would meet up with the boy tired from practice. Donghyuck sometimes would sleep over after practices because the next day he would have a schedule with Dream. That was a damn tiring routine, but when questioned the boy would smile and say “Dreams come with sacrifices” and this only made him seem even more admirable from Renjun’s perspective. 

It was not that he didn’t know Donghyuck could be mature, but his playful image overlapped his other side, so every time the first one popped out he’d be confused how those two sides could belong to the same person. It made him feel like he had a lot to learn.

The silent observation could grow into something more toxic to his mind. Something that wasn’t supposed to, but it was always there. As long as his respect grew, the inferiority complex grew at the same pace. 

Things would become harder at the beginning of October when Regular promotions started and together with it the decrease of Donghyuck’s availability. A day prior to his travel to Los Angeles that would kick off the start of a chaotic month of promotions they went out to at least grab a coffee together. This wasn't something that really changed, because they would spend quality time as friends and talk about the most ridiculous things in the past as well.

They sat across each other, only waiting for their coffees to be prepared. Both were wearing comfortable hoodies because by October the temperatures started to drop in the morning (also because it was convenient to wear a cap together and hide most of their faces). It was a cloudy day, so it was colder than usual because there was no ray of sunlight to warm the weather a bit more. 

"How many have you tricked into the dressing room like that?" Renjun casually asked about a month later, because he was curious if that was a tactic their older members would do to find time to date in between promotions.

"I don't kiss and tell" Donghyuck said indignantly while he played with the napkins trying to make some sort of origami with it. "Does it matter?" He raised his eyes that were focused on the napkin, an eyebrow raised at the unusual question. 

Renjun rolled his eyes at the way he dodged the question. "It doesn't. I was just wondering, because you seemed to know what you were doing"

"I always know what I am doing!" Donghyuck replied offended, nose scrunched pretending to be dissatisfied with the accusation. 

"That failed origami tells me otherwise" Renjun sniggered and pointed at the napkin that was folded many times yet it seemed to not take any form at all. "What is even this?" 

"You're an artist, yet you know nothing about art" Donghyuck retorted, still folding it, but seemed more confused at which part he should keep folded to form something. Thankfully the drinks arrived to save his face. 

"I understand about art, not atrocity" Renjun grabbed his drink, taking a sip of the warm coffee. The bitterness was somewhat relieving to his senses. Donghyuck pouted and snatched Renjun's drink from his hands, taking a sip.

"We ordered the same!" Renjun complained and took it back from the other's hand, Donghyuck had a playful grin. It was obvious he was doing that only to annoy him. 

"It will be sweeter now that I placed my lips there" Donghyuck tried to keep a flirtatious speech when he spoke that, but it was too ridiculous even for him.

"I have to throw it away then. I like it bitter" Renjun pushed the cup away pretending to be disgusted. 

"That's rude. Both are mine now." Donghyuck frowned, grabbing back the cup now keeping both at his side. 

Renjun tried to grab it back only for the other to childishly pull it farther from him. "Stealing my cup isn't?" Renjun commented as they completely went off topic to bicker over a cup of coffee instead.

Donghyuck handed his untouched cup of coffee instead, receiving a confused look from the other. "Give mine back" Renjun pleaded not understanding why they were wasting time like this otherwise the coffee would become cold.

"Weren't they the same? Or now you want the one that my lips sweetened?" Donghyuck smirked, clearly enjoying teasing him. Renjun groaned and snatched any cup that was given to him. 

"Shut up or I'll make you." Renjun tried to intimidate the other that still wore the same expression. 

"Bold. Can't wait." Donghyuck joked while raising his eyebrows suggestively. This provoked Renjun enough for him to win a kick underneath the table. He finally decided to quiet down to enjoy his coffee, a comfortable silence enveloping them. 

"You and Mark stay healthy" Renjun absently commented, as Donghyuck would be travelling on the next day. It wasn't uncommon for NCT Dream to have promotions and fansigns without Donghyuck and Mark, but both were always missed by the rest. It was worrying how both were overworked sometimes, but they always managed to carry their tasks with smiles and energy. Discourse that this was their moment to work, because idols' time span was short already so they should be grateful they started early: it was their golden time.

"Don't miss me too much!" Donghyuck smugly spoke not wanting Renjun to think too much about their time apart. It was inevitable they would spend more time apart than together. It was the path they picked after all. 

"In your dreams!" Renjun retorted, stubbornness causing him to deny it. Hiding together his insecurities with it, Donghyuck shouldn't need to deal with his problems during a stressful time. 

As time went by another feeling also increased aside from his admiration and inferiority: anxiousness. 

Renjun would stare at his wrist from time to time, rubbing it to see if it would disappear, yet there was no difference from its original aspects. No failed edge, just two zeroes like they always had been. 

This bothered him a little, but at the moment he was happy enough to ignore it. 

Until he would eventually implode by those repressed feelings.


	15. Chapter 15

As expected, October was a month filled with schedules for Donghyuck, time to meet was scarce due to the Regular promotions. NCT Dream also had schedules such as fanmeeting, interviews and photoshoots scheduled. 

The month was supposed to pass by swiftly, but for Renjun it didn’t. Mostly because his mind returned to its usual state of creating buzz on its own. Once he got together with his soulmate he expected his insecurities to vanish, the contrary happened instead. 

Ever since Regular promotions started he would be reminded of the backstage filled with many attractive idols in the corridors. A place that sparkled with beauties around. What if Donghyuck found someone else more appealing to bring to an empty dressing room just like he did with him? 

It probably wasn't hard considering how much of a social butterfly the other was. He didn't need to be the most handsome, he attracted people with his charms.

His 'some' relationship wasn't one that helped either, because inside his mind it didn't carry the same restraints an official relationship had, though he was sure he'd feel the same way regardless of the title of the relationship. This added with his tattoo that stubbornly remained on his wrist. 

Renjun hated whom he became. Everything he felt incorporated into worsening his mental state. Perhaps someone else was indeed better, that is why the mark wouldn't fade. Maybe his theory of someone outside from the bond having a more sustainable relationship was the truth. 

Thus replaying all the negative thoughts from before of how unsuitable he was.

Donghyuck kept acting the same as usual though. His playful nature did up Renjun's spirits a bit, but the latter also took effort into hiding as much as possible. They would chat regularly, but still wasn’t enough to give his mind peace. 

Each day that passed by with his mark untouched, was another day seeking for protection against being hurt. By its pace he would end up clustered away from the world.

Renjun felt miserable. 

Today was one of the days that Donghyuck miraculously was free, unfortunately Johnny and Jaehyun didn’t have the same luck as they were busy with their deejaying schedule. This meant they could spend some time together, but Renjun barely spoke since he arrived. It wasn’t unusual for Donghyuck to have someone from Dream over, so the members grew used to not bother him in those moments. 

Mark had joined them for a bit earlier, but he was still working on more songs with the dream of having a full album written by him in the future. They chatted, but it was mostly Mark and Donghyuck talking about TMI’s that happened during the current promotions. It was admirable how Mark could be so hard working even in his free time. He promised to return later for them to play and sing some songs together, but it was highly unlikely as the other would submerge in work. 

Donghyuck had lent one of his pajamas for Renjun to wear, inviting him to spend the night instead of only staying for dinner. Jaehyun wouldn’t really mind having one more, specially because he would go out with Johnny after schedules to have some drinks and probably only faint on his bed later. Renjun accepted the invitation, borrowing a towel as well because he liked to lay down only after being clean to not dirty the bedsheets. 

The boy returned to the room already dressed, towel hanging around his shoulders, droplets of water still falling. It nearly seemed like Renjun had switched to automatic mode, not paying attention to those minimal details. Donghyuck had his attention on the notebook’s screen, eyed him sideways, raising an eyebrow at his neglect. Renjun was deflated, seemingly lost. There was an impending fragility that was about to break, or he’d be the one breaking it. 

Donghyuck stood up, causing the other to flinch and finally focus on him. Without any words spared, he reached out for Renjun’s hand and brought him to sit down on the edge of his bed. He snatched the hanging towel to start rubbing his head, like a parent would do to their child. “Are you still going to play the card that you don’t have to tell me everything?” Donghyuck questioned as he kept doing the motion while the other had his head inclined down. Partly to allow the other to dry his hair properly, but also because he couldn’t stop his thoughts from running wild. 

All he wanted at the moment was to fall into a deep slumber because it was the only moment his brain would shut down. 

Noticing he would not receive any answer to that, Donghyuck sighed slightly frustrated. It was upsetting already that Renjun instead of opening up was becoming more distant. After he finally ended his ministrations, he got rid of the towel blindly throwing it on his chair. This was to prevent Renjun from actually using it to hide. 

Finally, Renjun stared upwards, eyes glossed over who knows what his inner turmoil was, aside from him no one else knew. Seeing this sight, Donghyuck dropped the idea of coaxing the other into telling. Donghyuck did stop to think it was his fault at some point, but he pondered over it many times trying to remember if he did something wrong. Unfortunately, nothing came to his mind. Renjun felt the mattress sinking beside him as the other boy plopped down onto it. 

Silence was established between them, but for the first time in years it was uncomfortable. Renjun noticed Donghyuck seemed to be contemplating something, body slightly inclined behind with arms up holding him, his eyes focusing on the table lamp placed on the nightstand beside his bed. 

It beamed with a dim lighting, the only one illuminating the room. 

Renjun stole a sideways glance to end up drowning in the sight of the yellow light glimmering on Donghyuck’s features causing his skin to glow. It always amazed Renjun how the other could do justice to his artistic name. It was suffocating for him to carry the task of being paired with him, he couldn’t be more than the moon that would only shine thanks to reflecting the sun’s rays of lights. Renjun reached his hand hesitantly, like it could hurt if done incorrectly. Fingers softly touching Donghyuck’s moles on his cheek. 

Not only was the boy the sun, he also carried constellations inscribed on his skin. If only Renjun could overwhelm the other as much as he was constantly by the sun. Cursing his soulmate was only a way to run away from the pressure he would end up imposing to himself, because carrying to be his pair was much harder. Not that he expected to end up falling in love in the process, but who wouldn’t?

Donghyuck was watching him from the corner of his eyes, due to his fingers drawing an invisible connection between his moles. 

“Your fans are right, your moles are endearing” Renjun quietly commented, fingers trailing the path down towards the collarbone. The trance was broken once Donghyuck reached for his hand, straightening his back to sit straight. Gazes meeting one another amidst many questions rounding their minds. Renjun did not know what Donghyuck’s doubts were, but he would not interrupt the moment for that. 

While Renjun felt like he was an open book beneath the other’s scrutiny, Donghyuck was like a diary sealed with many keys, never letting out what he thought. The result was that actually both tried to retain secrets, being it a success or not at doing such. 

Perhaps they were fated to implode together, just like the universe would one day. 

Renjun couldn’t tell what the other was thinking, all he knew was the yearned for the attention to be granted to him only. The sun had all planets orbiting around him, so it was flattering to have it the other way around instead. 

“Can I kiss you?” Donghyuck actually voiced the question, causing Renjun to stare with interest. A smile threatening to form on his lips at the absurdity of the entire situation, yet no guts to laugh over it. 

The moment was theirs to live only.

\-------------

Renjun stirred up from his sleep noticing the clock marked barely 1:30 am by now. They ended up falling asleep on each other’s embraces, skins exposed to the lighting from the table lamp that was never turned off. Blanket was covering most of their bodies, he wanted to bury his head on the warm chest and return to dreamland only to be met with Donghyuck’s tattoo. 

Seemingly his nightmares were during his awakened time.

It remained bruised, unchanging from how he last saw it months prior to them being together. The debate began once again inside his mind. 

Why? 

Why wouldn’t it disappear like the fairy tales promised him since childhood? 

It was inevitable for tears to start pooling his eyes, vision blurring in the process. Renjun was sure of what he felt towards the other, connections were supposed to disappear once feelings were reciprocated. The math wasn’t difficult to figure out. His fingers were trailing on the bruised tattoo, clearly feeling hopeless. He inhaled deeply, trying to dispel the thoughts of it never being reciprocated since the beginning together with the tears that never gained the chance of being poured. 

“Lies have an expiration date” Donghyuck murmured beside him, eyes still closed which stirred up Renjun’s awareness. They were still embracing each other, but suddenly Renjun felt too exposed as he was amidst one of his many breakdowns. “What are you talking about?” He was proud he managed to retort without stuttering, thoughts clouded with only accusations towards the other. Renjun felt suffocated, so he sat up hoping he could breathe better, to no avail. 

“I don’t know, maybe how you eye both yours and mine’s tattoo looking like you’re on the verge of crying” Donghyuck reluctantly fluttered open one of his eyelids, waiting for orb to adapt to the lighting in order to open the other one. It took a moment for Renjun to absorb the information that Donghyuck knew. 

Renjun didn’t know if Donghyuck was disappointed in him for hiding or for him being the one, but the accusations shouted inside his mind. “Why won’t it disappear then? Does it mean you…” Renjun stared back in a mixture of disbelief and despair, question perhaps disclosing part of his turmoil. 

_.. you’re the one lying.  _

Donghyuck growled in the middle of the sentence, interrupting the question before Renjun could finish. It was evident the mood swinging to a side never seen by the latter. This time it was him that sat up, eyes focusing on his soulmate. Donghyuck clearly understood what he meant, this was the ‘perks’ of being observant. It dawned upon him why Renjun was acting so weirdly. “You won’t run over me this time. Not this time, Jun.” Donghyuck actually clenched his teeth in the process of stating that, like he was trying to prove a point and exposing his own hurt. “I told you it sucks to be at the end of the stick, didn’t I?” He added with a disappointed sigh following. 

Renjun remained speechless, unshed tears from before now falling. His world seemed to be falling apart from what was unfolding. “You want to doubt yourself? Fine, do it. But I won’t allow you to disdain my feelings along with it” Donghyuck snapped at Renjun, eyes mirroring the despair. 

Donghyuck had been able to understand half of Renjun’s worries way before its owner could, because his attention was entirely focused on his soulmate. 

It always has been. 

“Blaming our connection won’t solve your problems, neither degrading yourself will. I am not the solution for them either.” Those words hurt Renjun more than he expected, they weren’t filled with hatred, but it had disappointment attached to it. Renjun knew he was egocentric, completely forgetting that the one who carried the bruise was Donghyuck, not him. Donghyuck was never the one who rejected him, he was the only one to blame. However his mind could only nurture pessimistic thoughts. It wasn’t something under his control anymore. 

“Since when?” Renjun barely could stare back at the other now, avoiding his gaze at all costs feeling ashamed and exposed. However, he needed to know for how long this information had been disclosed for the other. 

Donghyuck was unamused by the way Renjun tried to recoil when he tried to reach out for him. “The beginning, you’re not exactly the most discreet person on earth.” Since the rejection for contact was evident, Donghyuck decided to lean against the headboard instead, eyes focusing on the ceiling - he was used to rejection.

Renjun’s mind was noisy, carrying on with accusations. “But you said to ditch our soulmates…?” He spoke absently, reminding that it was one of the most ironic moments of his life. He felt his hands trembling, in order to stop he placed them firmly grasping the mattress to avoid being bothered by it. Tears still rolling down, face inclined down as well with eyes fixated on the bed sheet stained with teardrops. 

Donghyuck snorted at being reminded of it as well. “Of course I said to ditch it. How can I be with you if I was attached to the soulmate link? A link that only shows rejection. If you never showed signs of liking me I’d never even try” He admitted shutting down his eyes firmly, to keep himself from falling apart as well. Two people crying their hearts out probably wouldn’t be able to have any sort of talk. 

Renjun remained quiet because the volume of information made him dizzy (this or it was from dehydrating from crying). Donghyuck folded his knees slightly enough for his feet to be firm on the mattress, elbows being placed over each knee, leaving arms hanging loosely. “The irony is that I should be the one doubting you, yet I never doubted and am the one being accused instead” Donghyuck added, saying this more to himself than to Renjun, as he never really stopped to reflect about that before. Eyes opened again watching the ceiling like it was the most interesting thing he could watch in the moment. 

Like he said before, he ditched it for the sake of staying sane. He carried the bruise, but managed to ignore its existence and its meaning. 

Renjun then snapped his head in Donghyuck’s direction. This time it was him who reached up to Donghyuck, causing the other to watch him in confusion. Both were too fragile at the moment, perhaps if they spoke more they’d end up hurting each other further. Things said in the heat of the moment were better left unsaid. He reached after the warm embrace that he should’ve never left, to which the other accepted him wholeheartedly. 

He wasn’t the pitiful one.

He never was. 

All the insecurities he carried together with his instability were products of his mental state that deteriorated and he only chose to ignore instead of actively doing something to improve it. It wasn’t normal to cry every time he thought about either rejection or not being enough during work.

It was okay to have downs and ups, but it wasn’t okay to feel like he lived in the bottom of the pit with joy only when a single ray of light reached him.

Renjun realized this now because it ended up reflecting on Donghyuck that had nothing to do with it. 

It wasn’t Donghyuck that Renjun rejected, it wasn’t their bond either.

It was himself all along. 


	16. Sidestory: His side

A child prodigy, that’s what he was labeled as since his acceptance into the company. Donghyuck simply stated his desire by impulse to his beloved mother that decided it was a nice idea to bring him to SM company on a nice Saturday because they conveniently had auditions every weekend - known as  _ the infamous _ Saturdays’ auditions. 

It landed him a spot, but little did he know it would bring him a certain fame between trainees. 

And that was how his trajectory as an idol began. 

Donghyuck wasn’t a trainee that received much scoldings. Heck, he would even be asked to leave so they could scold the oldest trainees instead. The world saw him as someone bright and that was blessed by God, which meant he’d live a comfortable life. Of course he gave his all always, but people mostly just turned a blind eye. Why? Because some couldn’t reach a certain level required by the company, thus tried to justify his success instead of searching for what they were missing.

Not that Donghyuck cared about their opinions, being considered talented wasn’t a bad thing. As long as people didn’t consider he was favored by the higher ups, it was fine. 

Life was sailing smoothly, he was even introduced in SM rookies only a year after entering the company. Of course it came with sacrifices: leaving home, abandoning school. Things that Donghyuck couldn’t really bother at the moment, because he was chasing after his dreams. Nothing could go wrong. 

Until Huang Renjun happened. 

Donghyuck had the opinion that everything in his life could be under his control, until he inevitably met Huang Renjun in the year of 2015. It’s not like life made a turn of events. No, not at all. Everything still sailed as smoothly as it could, but he couldn’t understand what went wrong with his soulmate. 

At first he approached the boy out of curiosity, but being as observant as he was, he noticed how Renjun’s gaze went down avoiding staring back. Maybe he was just shy, Donghyuck’s ego would tell him that it was his effect on people. However, he followed the gaze and saw the boy actually made a pause or seemed slightly flustered, but managed to hide well with an awkward laugh. 

Later he did discover the place he was watching was probably his soulmate tattoo, which aroused Donghyuck’s suspicion, confirming it when he had to take a shower after being sweaty from the intense training: two plain zeroes. 

Donghyuck didn’t really fancy the idea of having a soulmate, younger generations didn’t really care about an everlasting bond as much as the elders. In truth, he never really spared a thought or two about it, because his focus was obviously elsewhere. It was quite a taboo as well for them to even try chasing after soulmates, because it could be troublesome for idols. However, one would probably guess that God’s beloved son was granted a soulmate right in front of his eyes, despite probabilities of it happening being low. 

Coincidentally, he and Renjun had the same age. They had many chances to interact, but for some strange reason it barely happened. Renjun seemingly didn’t fancy the idea of having a soulmate either, judging that he probably also knew and never uttered a single word about it for him. It bothered Donghyuck slightly that someone didn’t want to befriend him, also because it was his soulmate that we’re talking about. 

His ego could be offended by that!

Life went by anyway, regardless of their connection, they just shared some small talks. The upturn came when they were gathered in groups announcing the company’s plan for the next year: a new boy group. The concept was difficult to understand at first, what mattered was that Donghyuck ended up landing a spot in two groups at once. By now he’d also be addressed as Haechan, a name given by the CEO exclusively for him. 

One group happened to have Renjun. The irony of destiny trying to glue two people that disliked the idea - he thought at that time. It was impressive though, Renjun had entered the company only about six months before the announcement. 

A few days after the announcement was when he felt a sting in the transition between abdomen and thorax on the left side where his tattoo was placed - one zero was beginning to shed its skin and become a bruise. Not really knowing about how those tattoos worked aside from the two zeroes mark, curiosity sparked, causing Donghyuck to actually waste time researching about it. 

A frown painted his face when he discovered what a bruise meant. If his ego wasn’t offended before, now it sure was. 

“Hey Jeno. What does it mean to have a bruised soulmate tattoo?” He questioned absently when they were lying down on the floor after dance practice. Despite the announcement, they still attended classes for singing and dancing, all of them being too young to indulge skipping it, because they still had a lot to learn. 

“Oh. Were you rejected by someone finally? That person definitely has some good sense.” Jeno replied with a teasing grin on his face, delighted to hear some juicy information. Their secluded group of five that started practically together in SM had no secrets between them. Although soulmate tattoos were barely a subject talked about, they knew each other’s state and even joked sometimes. 

Donghyuck groaned having the information confirmed. “Shut it. I am incredible” the other laughed it off and so did he, changing the topic to another thing not related. 

Noticing how Renjun seemed indifferent towards him, Donghyuck started playing pranks instead in order to annoy the other. Why did he have to carry a bruise when he could see the other’s tattoo remained unharmed? 

Ah. He had such a great heart to not reject his ass. 

For young Donghyuck it seemed like a great idea to annoy Renjun to retaliate for his injury. The idea came when they coincidentally ordered Tonkatsu in SM’s cafeteria, so he snatched the first one for himself despite it being Renjun’s. Although Donghyuck felt bad at first wondering if Renjun would cry from that, he was caught off guard when the boy came to discuss with him instead. This marked the starting point of their endless bickerings.

For some reason, this made annoying the chinese boy much more enjoyable, because his reactions were priceless. It ended up becoming a routine in their lives, causing them to grow closer through their banters. 

And once again the rejection mark topic was dropped.

“You’re a menace, stop bothering him” Jeno pointed out one day when Renjun was coming their way with an annoyed expression. They had already grown closer by now, Renjun being part of their group of friends now. Jaemin and Donghyuck were playing rock paper scissors to decide who would buy snacks today. “But I didn’t do anything to feel guilty about yet” which caused Jeno to roll his eyes knowing it was probably a lie. 

“You could stop bothering us too!” Jaemin grinned as he won meaning Donghyuck had to pay for it today. The loser grumbled dissatisfied, not taking really to heart his friend’s teasing. Renjun finally reached them glaring at the boy that was busy suffering for having to spend his pocket money today.

“What did he do this time?” Jeno directed his question to Renjun, who was eyeing Donghyuck unamused. If one judged him by looks, they would be caught off guard by his explosive personality. 

“He brought me a tea saying it was mint flavored. Guess what? It was some ungodly sour tea with a mint drop inside it” Renjun groaned heading for his target to give him a headlock. “It had something giving a mint flavor. I didn’t lie” Donghyuck pretended to be gasping and suffering, expecting someone to intervene for him. 

“Don’t kill him yet, he’ll buy us food” Jaemin did intervene, but made no effort to stop it because watching them fight was very amusing. This did work as Renjun did let go and sat down together with them instead, pouty lips as he was offended Jeno was laughing at him (who even fell for those tricks?).

Donghyuck would stare quietly taking notes of Renjun. 

There was fascination on his features that only his soulmate could pull out from him

And this is how the rest of their trainee days went by: filled with laughter and enjoyment while trailing their path towards their dreams together. No wonder why the group was named after it: Dream. Sometimes they were not sure if it was a fever dream all along and everyone was hallucinating together.

\------------------------------------------------

Debuting was harder than expected, bringing responsibilities that youngsters had no idea of existing. Their average age was sixteen when debuting, which up until today is considered young. Everything was overwhelming and suddenly they were at the spotlight. Rules were harsher compared to when they were mere trainees, but for the sake of reaching their dreams everyone would abdicate a few things. 

They didn’t expect how little hours of sleep they had during promotions, Donghyuck and Mark had advised the rest to enjoy their free time, because after debuting officially in a fixed group like 127 showed them the reality of idol life. They were glad the debut finally happened nonetheless. 

They were just a bunch of kids practically playing with their hoverboards backstage. It would later be a dear memory for them, but no one knew how it was hard to master the motion of it for a presentation. Also, the part in which Jaemin and Jeno lifted Renjun while Jisung went underneath caused too much stress for them and a few accidents as well (luckily no one got too injured from them).

No one had much time to worry about private lives, career was much important at the moment. It was even awkward to think teenagers already had to focus on that, but it was the cost of beginning this early. Sacrifices were made along with it, it was their most valuable moment in life: to see how everything they left behind for the sake of a dream would pay them off. 

It wouldn’t be a lie to say they ended up sacrificing most of their teenage years together with experiences they would never be able to retrieve: school life, family was also left behind. All of them gathered to form a second family. One would think they were depressed, but it was mostly bright days between them. Pre-debut wasn’t much different than the current situation. 

A few days weren’t as bright, but it was fine. 

One day Donghyuck found Renjun on the rooftop looking up at the sky, back resting on the wall. It was close to midnight, but the brightness from the city didn’t allow the night’s twilight to dominate the ambient. The group was about to make ramen to eat together. 

Don’t judge, their itinerary was all messed up already. 

“What are you doing?” Donghyuck questioned quietly, joining to sit down beside the other. 

“Star gazing” Renjun replied, eyes lost in the immensity of the sky. However, it was really hard to watch stars from Seoul. It was probably nicer in the countryside. “I like the feeling of being insignificant near the grandiosity the universe has to offer” he added to justify, though Donghyuck would never question that. 

“That sounds melancholic” Donghyuck scrunched his nose, staring up anyway. 

“It is. But it also makes one think it’s okay to be flawled, because we’re really insignificant at the end of the day” Renjun 

“Thankfully I am flawless” Donghyuck commented which earned him a glare and a scoff. 

“Yeah, right. Maybe your ego isn’t that insignificant” Renjun replied absently, returning to focus his eyes on the sky. The edges of his lips curved, finding humor on what the egocentric boy said though. 

And perhaps that was the first time Donghyuck felt a heart string being pulled. It was an equally insignificant scenario, but it was somehow remarkable. At first he was confused, so he supposed being his soulmate gave Renjun some sort of upper hand over him. 

It was natural for him to feel attracted to his counterpart, there was nothing more from it. It was never his or Renjun’s choice though. 

Donghyuck would never ponder over that subject for too long though, placing that feeling on the corner of his mind without questioning it further. 

\--------------------------------

People that tried to find flaws in Donghyuck’s life would probably take enjoyment in seeing his bruised tattoo. This is mostly why he’d never show it. Some fans questioned where it was placed, he’d brush it off by stating flirtingly it was in a place that he couldn’t show bare. Much later he discovered his steps were followed by stalkers and privacy was barely a thing he could have, so he had to be careful to not have it leaked. 

It wouldn’t be scandalous, but it was something he’d rather keep as a secret.

Did it bother him? 

Not really. Just like in the past, he’d never thought much about it. Of course it was curious how that bothersome tattoo reacted. He didn’t lie that at first he was offended by the discovery of what it meant, but Renjun did not hate him. 

Did it hurt?

Of course it did! It was a damn bruise that sometimes wearing clothes that scraped against it would feel uncomfortable. Not disabilliting though, enough for him to live by like it was simply a small inconvenience he had to deal with. 

There must be another reason for the rejection, but it wasn’t something that Donghyuck wanted to read further into. Firstly, because it was none of his business what Renjun thought about their bond. Secondly, because it did not change anything. 

Nearly a year later the topic was tackled back into his life. 

There was a commotion that stirred up created from Donghyuck doing absolutely nothing. Seemingly he got involved with sasaengs which made no sense. He hated them and even tried to call the police when he noticed some following them. It’s not like members blamed him or believed in that, but it did tarnish the image of the group as a whole. 

Instructed by the management, he was supposed to stay low until the rumors faded away. This did not change the fact that Donghyuck thought the world could be unfair sometimes. As idols they had no privacy nor the chance of living a somewhat normal life. And even respecting those, people would always fabricate gossip to have something to talk about. This was even more outrageous than the rumor of him getting plastic surgery, but that one he could be at least flattered for being called out for having a nice face. 

“This is so unfair” Donghyuck whined while sprawled down on the couch of the NCT Dream’s dorm occupying all spaces available on it. Mark was sitting on the armrest of the couch, not really bothering to remove the boy that was being dramatic. 

“Great, now give space for us to sit down” Jeno ignored his whining that he heard all day long to tap Donghyuck’s legs as a signal to give way for them. Chenle brought his playstation for them to play together at the dorms to improve Donghyuck’s mood while he was supposed to be isolated from the world. “Why is it always me? First the surgery…” he kept babbling amidst his martyrized state. 

“They speculated that only because your face seems artificial” Renjun added while placing soft drinks on the coffee table. Donghyuck sat up finally ceasing to hog the couch all for himself. He glared at Renjun that was sniggering at him. Both Jeno and Renjun sat down beside him. Although they liked to tease him, he knew everyone cared about him enough to gather everyone in the dorm. 

They heard an observation coming from the door. “Karma” Jaemin arrived right after Renjun with some snacks placed in bowls. Chenle was connecting the cables on the console while the supposedly mature hyungs were ganging up on Donghyuck. 

“You buy cakes for sasaengs and not for us? That’s absurd” Jisung added as he sat on a cushion placed on the floor strategically close to the snacks. Hand being slapped away by Jaemin that did it only for the sake of entertainment. Jisung pouted, but in the end was able to grab them, starting to eat right away. 

The atmosphere was light and despite everyone teasing Donghyuck, he did not feel offended for real. Being around friends and laughing at how ridiculous those claims were did make his enraged state to be set aside quickly. Still, he had to whine because it was his best ‘virtue’.

“Great friends I have” Donghyuck murmured indignantly as he grabbed the controller, not really with the urge to eat at the moment. The 00 liners were smashed together on the couch. Mark was still sitting on the armrest holding the other controller while the two youngest were sitting on cushions. One would think the youngsters were obliged to do that, but in truth they didn’t want to stay with them on the couch because things could turn out to be chaotic in a blink of an eye. 

“We’re the best for wasting our time on you” Mark retorted, rolling his eyes knowing well that his friend wasn’t upset, he was just dramatizing for being involved in a stupid situation. 

Donghyuck placed his hand on his chest, pretending to be hurt by his best friend’s statement. “I just wanted to receive some love from my friends to remind me that I am loved!” then proceeded to dry non-existent tears. 

“You love yourself too much for us to do that for you” Chenle pointed out with a grin as he had to avoid being abused with another cushion by Donghyuck. 

“Your fans were fighting for your love” Jisung added unhelpfully, causing Donghyuck to groan in distaste for being reminded of that. Everyone laughed at it though. Chenle even high fived his friend that was sitting across the table. 

Donghyuck really thought they should put a fighting game so he could beat out those brats since he couldn’t resort to violence. 

Suddenly, he felt a hand being placed around his shoulder. “Fine, we’ll love you” Renjun assured him in a way everyone would think he was consoling, but the mocking tone was evident in his voice telling otherwise. The boy was pouting for all the teasing, but he never rejected a skinship (even if all of them didn’t deserve him in their lives). 

“Will you really?” Donghyuck cutely pouted in an over exaggerating way, causing Renjun to feign disgust and start pushing him away instead. 

After the boy backed out, Renjun watched him still with playfulness. “I will” were the words told by Renjun towards him. 

Donghyuck couldn’t help but allow a thought to pop up inside his mind. 

_ ‘No, you won’t’  _

Renjun didn’t hate him, but he certainly didn’t love either. 

By this realization, he toned down his state, accepting to rest his head on Renjun’s shoulder instead. Small ache from the mark on his chest was unable to be ignored now. 

\---------------------------------------------------------

Two years later he was already tired of finding offense in the rejection, he’d contemplate the mysterious reason instead. The tattoo remained with the bruise, never showing signs of becoming better neither affecting the other zero. Commonly, people would interpret it as a direct rejection, because Renjun knew whom he was connected to, despite always denying it. 

Why would he keep hiding? Why did Donghyuck go along with it? It was a mystery. 

However, he was sure it wasn’t hate. Never once there were signs that he was disliked. Somehow he could tell apart the feelings Renjun tried to suppress. This made Donghyuck wonder if this was how soulmates were indeed supposed to feel like. 

If he was to describe it would be someone that ‘gets it’. It was a lame description, but Donghyuck wasn’t necessarily a poet nor romantic enough to describe it adequately. 

Looking back, Donghyuck can’t exactly indicate when his feelings started to bloom. Perhaps being aware of the soulmate title pushed him into becoming interested, or maybe it was Renjun’s personality that caught his attention, or could be the way his eyes would carry adoration and dreams within its orbs when speaking about a passionate topic like stargazing. 

Regardless, everything together made the mix enough to sweep him off of his feet. Renjun was the only one who could destroy his record of living a supposedly ‘perfect’ life.

Sometimes he would simply stare at the boy, instead of finding flaws there was something new to love. Even the snaggletooth was dearly missed. Not much time was wasted on that admiration though, because he still had reality in check. 

Don’t get him wrong, it’s not like he moped about it frequently. It mostly happened when he had nothing better to do. Schedules filled his time enough to not have other things to worry for a long time. Perhaps sometimes he’d have fun with some flings here and there just to occupy his longing heart, but nothing too serious either. 

Thankfully life was more much more than having a love life.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We reached the last chapter!   
> As someone who usually starts things and never end them is quite an accomplishment (that's why I wrote everything before even thinking of posting it). Since english isn't my first language I had to check for some errors or if I could make sentences more easy to understand or describe them better. 
> 
> Also this was inspired because I struggled with mental health issues, I wanted to send messages for those who also struggle with it to seek after help. 
> 
> It's always important to do so! 
> 
> Having loved ones supporting you is important, but you are the one that have to make the first step to actually get better. Otherwise, both would end up being hurt.
> 
> Hopefully it was an enjoyable reading for everyone.   
> I might write an epilogue later, but, for now, this is the ending. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!

The process of actually getting better proved to be harder than expected. However, baby steps were enough for someone who did nothing aside remain in denial for the past months. At first Renjun had to win the prejudice against mental health, one that most people carried. 

When you spoke about psychiatrists unfortunately most would think they began to be crazy and throw a fit to not go. 

It wasn’t that sort of opinion he had, but it seemed awkward to go and speak about his life to a complete stranger. However, since he finally came to realize that his mental state wasn’t as light as he judged, Renjun knew he had to make something about it. Otherwise, he would only be turning a blind eye until he had another crisis. Winning over the first battle, he managed to ask the manager to mark appointments with a psychologist and a psychiatrist. 

Believe it was quite hard for someone in denial all that time to actively do something about it, because just a few days ago he convinced himself several times that he was fine. What he failed to notice is that he’d been doing that for a long time and the fine never really came.

Renjun thinks the reason it took so long was probably because: 

  1. He was stubborn
  2. He believed to be strong enough to be able to deal with his own shit



After being exposed by Donghyuck to everyone else (Donghyuck would receive an earful later for that), he received some nagging from Jaemin. Thankfully, Mark just embraced him gently and told him support words. It did make him feel slightly guilty, because Dream show was swiftly approaching and would be their last show together before Mark graduated. 

No one seemed to blame him though. They did blame him for holding it in for so long while everyone was worried. 

“Now just because that brat is your soulmate he has rights over us? We live together!” Jaemin pointed accusingly across the room at Donghyuck that was clinging to Mark, knowing full well that they would find a way to annoy him instead, so he had to find a protector. No one was better than his best friend and leader of the group to do that task. 

Donghyuck rolled his eyes at the attack, Mark was just doing the usual - laughing. “I don’t. Maybe if you didn’t nag at everything he’d actually talk to you” Donghyuck retorted in a snarky way.

“Do you have a death wish?” Jisung widened his eyes comically and questioned from beside Donghyuck, knowing full well Jaemin could make him pay for those words not in a bad way, but he could make anyone taste their own medicine. 

Jeno was sitting comfortably on the couch in the middle of the room together with Chenle, Renjun placed in between them. Luckily, both were with arms wrapped around him in a comforting way, while watching with interest. Their heads would turn to each side while the two made their nearly comical exchange, if it wasn’t regarding a serious matter. Meanwhile Jaemin was busy making a fuss while Renjun’s gaze slightly went down from feeling ashamed. 

Noticing that, Jeno decided to help. “Take it easy, Nana. If you want to teach him a lesson just punch him near the chest. I am sure it will hurt” Jeno tried to appease the fight, but obviously in the wrong way as Donghyuck groaned forgetting they knew his weak point. 

Renjun snapped his head together with Chenle by the statement as the part instructed to hit was close to the bruise. “You knew?” Renjun questioned flustered, because that tattoo sort of involved him as well. Chenle was confused because he never heard about it before either, aside from when Renjun told him.    


“About his soulmark being bruised? Yup.” Mark answered for Jeno this time, as Donghyuck was pouting that for some reason the chat turned into something he didn’t want to be reminded of. Renjun, on the other hand, was hiding his face beneath his palms wondering what he did wrong to be between that group of crazed teens that showed no mercy on him today. 

“We heard his whines for years, of course he whined about it too” Jaemin deadpanned “Just didn’t know it was you all along. Thanks to you we had something to make him tone down” he added to explain noticing the confusion spread in the chinese members. 

“I feel left out!” Chenle complained now as he thought he had a great secret in his hands when actually everyone else knew. “Even him?” He now pointed at Jisung that was dismayed for being pointed at so suddenly. The chat wasn’t even for them to bicker, for god’s sake!

“You’re welcome?” Renjun was confused if he should be replying to that in any way, but he couldn’t help but feel safe among them. 

“Just know we’re available if you need. I doubt we can be of much help, but we could at least try” Mark added now that the youngsters stopped trying to kill one another for a moment. However, Donghyuck was now clinging to Mark’s back for dear life as Jaemin approached him with an annoying grin. Nothing good would come out from this situation for sure. 

Renjun hoped he’d soon redeem them in the future offering only joy instead of worries. 

\---------------------

Prior to actual appointment with the psychiatrist and psychologist, Renjun actually began showing symptoms of anxiety. At the same time he couldn’t wait for the date to finally arrive, he’d been also afraid of sharing so much of his life to strangers. 

What if it leaked to the world? 

What if they judged that it was only him being dramatic? 

During one of his outings together with Chenle, Ten and Kun, the last two assured him it’d be no different from a normal appointment with other physicians. Just like the dermatologist and ophthalmologist they’d examine it and prescribe, the only difference being that the subject of examination was his mind. Since he looked up to them, it did ease his nerves a bit. 

Chenle told him to calm down, justifying his life wasn’t that interesting for the media to dig it. Maybe he had smacked the youngster in response, but it did help in a strange way as well. 

When the appointment happened, Renjun watched how the psychiatrist would question him about things like his childhood, early teenage life, school, work, family, friends. 

Why did he have to know his entire background since birth? 

Some questions were answered with ease, others made a knot to form on his throat and hesitate to answer. Renjun swore he tried, but the physician wouldn’t press him to do so. It nearly impressed him how he could get stuck in topics that never went through his mind that bothered him before. 

One hour after he was with a prescription. It was kindly offered either treatment with only therapy or medicamentions. Renjun chose the medications, because he thought he needed to get better as fast as possible. The physician emphasized it was crucial for him to have patience during the process and that therapy shouldn’t be left aside, it was essential for him to learn how to deal with his own monsters. Renjun awkwardly nodded, trying to keep in mind next time he’d have to share more fragments of his life. 

Unfortunately, medications wouldn’t solve his problems as they weren’t magical pills.

Going to the psychologist however proved to be much harder, because he’d have weekly appointments. She wouldn’t show him the path to follow, but would make him reflect upon until he reached his own conclusion regarding the subject. Most of the talks centered on his views regarding the happenings in his life. 

A slow process for someone that had hurried in life proved to be torturous. 

Unfortunately, acceptance was something harder to achieve than simply teaching someone about it. Renjun knows that he shouldn’t feel this way, but it isn’t exactly under his control. The treatment just began, so one shouldn’t expect the crisis to end so soon. Because they certainly didn’t. Pressure started to stack up with their last show arriving, Mark’s graduation and the uncertainties that life reserved for the future. 

Donghyuck was right. Just because they were soulmates he wouldn’t cure his intern problems, but he was a pillar that helped him stand still helping to appease them. 

Would they be able to carry the group without the talented Mark? It was worrying enough how their promotion period was smaller compared to NCT 127’s so could there be a possibility of the company pushing them aside just like they did with past groups? Next year would be their last year as well, they’d officially turn twenty on the first day of the year. What if fans demanded for the group to end instead? Some fans could be scary and unpredictable. Would he end up being forgotten just like members that weren’t accepted into other groups due to some fans' egoism?

Too young yet with too many worries that should belong to adults. 

In December, the news spread quickly between the members that Donghyuck had suffered an injury and resulted in a fracture on his foot, disabling him from activities until recovery. 

“You’re stupid” Renjun criticized as he stared down at the person that was sitting on the bed with back against the headboard, legs stretched, but cast on one of them. Donghyuck was wearing pajamas cellphone on hands watching some videos. In resume: clearly unconcerned with the situation. “We had to rearrange all the choreography and parts.” Renjun was obviously stressed. He knew it wasn’t Donghyuck’s fault, but it did upset him that they’d have to carry on the year-end presentations without him in their last presentations with Mark. Perhaps he was just venting his frustrations on the other. 

Donghyuck pretended to yawn, making Renjun wonder why he had to be soulmates with him sometimes. “Everyone will do fine. You’re all capable of carrying the stage. Just don’t get used with getting my lines” Donghyuck simply answered as he had already achieved annoying Renjun today. It was obvious he was also upset with it, but there was no use crying over spilled milk. The next day his mother would be coming to fetch him, he’d stay with his parents until he recovered completely. The last thing he wanted was to spend his last day with Renjun discussing a matter that had no solution. 

Renjun was evidently distraught, but allowed the other to pull him to sit down beside him. Donghyuck finally put down his cell phone draping the arm that held it around his soulmate’s shoulders instead. “You lack confidence! We managed to get by without Jaemin, you’ll do well without me and even if Mark leaves tomorrow. Everyone in our group is capable. Of course we’re better together, but be patient and we might be granted it in the future” Donghyuck tried to soothe him, fingers threaded on Renjun’s hair. 

Donghyuck was right. They were capable of adjusting to most adverse situations they went through, he should live in the present and not worry about a future that hasn't happened yet. 

The boy remained quiet even hearing that, mind thinking wandering through many subjects at once. “Do you think other soulmates go through this as well?” He questioned as he thought he might be cursed for having to go through this hard process.

“There are billions in the world, so probably yes. But no one is as lucky as you to have me” Donghyuck answered the question in the most egocentric way he could: praising him. Renjun groaned dissatisfied with the answer, because he was trying to remain sentimental. However, he did not move his hands to abuse the other, mind chanting a mantra that his soulmate was injured and should not be hit. 

Donghyuck was amused that he could pull out another reaction from his soulmate other than the sulky one he used to carry. It really was a mystery how soulmates dynamics worked. He isn’t sure if it was the soulmark that connected them, but he liked to think he’d feel the same way towards Renjun eventually even without the soulmate connection attracting his attention at first. Then he was reminded they’d have to be apart for a bit until he recovered - 3 months according to the orthopedist. 

“Will you be fine without me though?” Donghyuck questioned teasingly, trying to hide his worry. Although Renjun’s crises were decreasing, they still happened with some regularity. Both knew he played part as a support for Renjun to seek solace when needed. 

Thinking this was a challenge, Renjun just scoffed “I will” retorting like he was trying to assure the other wasn’t needed. Donghyuck eyed him doubtfully, knowing Renjun replied that way only to pester him. 

“Then let’s make a promise. You’ll be fine without me and I’ll be fine without you” Donghyuck grinned and lifted the pinky of his hand that wasn’t caressing Renjun’s head for them to cross them. 

“What sort of ridiculous promise is that?” Renjun laughed in disbelief at the other that was waiting for him to place the pinky on his. He did comply, because it seemed like a stupid thing the other suddenly came up with only to make him lose the composture. 

His eyes focused on their hands that crossed pinkies, until he lifted his gaze to actually stare confusedly at Donghyuck. It was usual for them to only exchange gazes, losing themselves amidst the trance. “Don’t miss me too much, or I’ll be worried.” Donghyuck interrupted the silence, gently smiling now, revealing his intentions behind the absurd promise. Renjun was caught off guard, because among his many upsets, being without his pillar of support was one of them. 

Renjun removed his right hand from crossing pinkies to place on Donghyuck’s left cheek. Orbs glanced briefly at the irony of the tattoo still exposing two zeroes right beside his soulmate’s face. He’d been egoistic all along and sometimes he felt like he was only on the receiving end for good things while Donghyuck received the opposite. 

“I love you” Renjun confessed, taking his chance to confess something that was conveyed up until now only through actions. This time it was Donghyuck who was speechless by the sudden confession, but soon to follow an annoying grin bloomed on his lips uttering a simple “I know”. Renjun’s lip edges curved up at the answer, expecting nothing less coming from him. 

Renjun leaned in before his soulmate could utter something egocentric again, successfully shutting him up.

Donghyuck was indeed the sun, everything turned brighter with him. It nearly became a necessity for him to have him around, but Renjun knew it wasn’t healthy for him to rely solely on him the entire time. For their sake, he’d have to stand on his own and learn from it instead of moping all the time and waiting for the other to rescue him from the darkness. 

Even from the bottom of the pit there would be sunlight stripes reaching out for him, but it wouldn’t rid him completely from the darkness. 

It was him that had to reach out for it to disappear. 

And this time he’d climb up to see the sunlight once again.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on twitter. Would be lovely to talk to other shippers as I am new to them :)
> 
> @KatrisHir


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